Life Changing
by imotaku2
Summary: Sometimes, when you realize who the most important person in your life is, it's already too late. Rated T for language and content.
1. Good Bye

Hey everyone, thanks for taking the time to read this. It's my first shiznat even though I;ve been lurking for quite some time. I currently have 2 marimite fics in the works still right now, althought the ideas I've been jotting down just didn't seem to fit with the stories I'm writing so I decided, bugger it! Why not?

However, I do warn. Not for the easily upset okay? It's not the happiest chapter around I gotta say so please, bear with me, you might actually like it ;) Also a good few flashbacks in this story (fb). Let me know if you're having problems with the formatting, I've been ooh-ing and ahh-ing over it all night.

Dis: Don't own anything.

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><p><strong>If I were a bee and you were a rose,<strong>

**Would you let me in when the gray wind blows?**

**Would you hold your petals wide apart,**

**Would you let me in to find your heart,**

**If you were a rose? **

**~ Natsuki's FB ~**

"_Done!" she held up the circular band of flowers and beamed victoriously._

_I sighed._

"_Fine. You win. Although I still think you had the upper hand from the beginning…."_

_I was a sore loser. I admit it._

"_It was my first time!" the blonde declared adamantly._

"_I doubt that. Look…." I held up my own to show her._

"…_.." *smirk*_

"_Yeah yeah, laugh it up…."_

"_Ara, I thought Natsuki said she'd done this before!" She giggled against the back of her palm, her deep crimson eyes gleaming with obvious amusement._

_I looked down at the tangled mess of flowers on my lap. _

"_I was….really young. My mother showed me once." I suddenly felt uncomfortable. I hated bringing her up. It made me feel like I was trying to gain sympathy by declaring that fact. She was gone. I was alone. I didn't need to shout it out to the world. "I thought I'd remember how to do it…."_

_I watched the amused expression on her face fade immediately. I shifted my weight slightly, nervously._

"_Natsuki….?"_

_I looked up. I'd lie if I didn't say I flinched slightly._

"_Shi…." My eyes involuntarily closed._

"_There!" she smiled, clapping her hands together._

_I looked down, the white and yellow flowers that were intertwined in a colourful chain hung delicately from around my neck._

"_Shizuru…."_

_She can read me like a book. It was one of the many things I loved about her, she never pushed me for details or explanations about my past. She smiled that gentle smile and patiently waited until I told her myself. In my own time. Even then she never made a big deal out of it, even though I could see how happy it made her when I opened up to her. She knew she was the only one who I can do that with._

"_Ara, how is it that even when I'm in a beautiful garden surrounded by beautiful flowers, Natsuki blooms the most beautifully in my eyes?"_

_And then she teases me._

"_It's….it's just a daisy chain! Baka!"_

"_Natsuki doesn't like daisies?" Shizuru tilted her head slightly. Innocently. Damn her._

"_I…I don't know. I don't dislike them I just…" Why does she always…panic me like this?_

"_What flower does Natsuki like?" she smiled sweetly. Damn. Why do our conversations always end up this way? She asks the most awkward questions! What am I supposed to say to that!_

"_Um….I dunno…."_

"_Ara, I almost forgot! Natsuki dislikes flowers!"_

"_What! I never said that!"_

"_Didn't Natsuki try and tear one of the very same from the ground the first time we met?" Shizuru teasingly hovered one of the flowers in front of her._

"_That…..I….I was having a bad day! And, I do like them! I can just never remember their names!" _

_There, that ought to do it!_

"_I see. Which one does Natsuki like best then?" Shizuru held out her hand towards the various flower beds to the right of them as if inviting trouble. She's teasing me again._

"_Umm. That!" I pointed randomly. Like I knew the difference anyway._

_Shizuru smiled. That awful, Scary, Real smile. She rarely did, it still confused me when she smiled like that because even I stopped to stare. It upset me that she didn't do it more often. Those tiny laughter lines at the corner of her gentle eyes were incredibly cute. She looked so beautifully content in that split second before her eyes closed._

"_If I were a rose and you were a bee…."_

"_Huh?"_

_She opened her eyes and smiled at me._

"_Nothing…."_

"_Shizuru?" _

_What was that look? I've seen that look before…._

"_I was just thinking sorry….."_

_She wasn't just thinking. She looked a little….I dunno. Upset? Sad? Was it the flower thing? She knows I don't know a thing about them why would she be so upset over something like that? I thought she was just teasing…._

"_You look a little like my flowers….." I held up the crooked chain between the two of us._

"_Is Natsuki saying I'm…." she rasied an eyebrow, "Twisted….?"_

_I laughed despite myself. _

"_I was going to say unappreciated…."_

_What the hell? Where did that come from? I just blurted it out…! _

_Shizuru opened her mouth as if to say something then shut it again. I don't think I'd ever seen her speechless before._

"_Well…." I automatically lifted the dilapidated daisy chain from my lap and reached out to put it around Shizuru's neck._

_She practically beamed._

"_A chain of slightly twisted daisies for a girl with a slightly twisted sense of humour"_

"_Ara! Now I feel unappreciated!" she pouted._

_I blushed. _

_But I think she beat me to it._

_She reached over hesitantly and plucked the flower that I had pointed out before, twirling it between her forefinger and thumb. How could someone smile that sweetly and look so utterly torn apart at the same time? _

**"If I were a rose and you were a bee,**

**You should never go when you came to me,**

**I should hold my love on my heart at last,**

**I should close my leaves and keep you fast,**

**If you were a bee." **

* * *

><p><strong>~ Present Day ~<strong>

_I wish I could turn back time._

"NATSUKI!"

_I wish I could tell her how all of those tiny little gestures had had such a profound effect on me._

"NATSUKIIIII!"

_How being in her very presence had made me feel more wanted, more needed than I had ever felt in my entire life._

"NO!"

_You were my only one Shizuru._

"PLEASE!"

_You were exactly what I had been looking for my entire life._

"PLEASE! NATSUKI!"

_A place that I could call home._

"NATSUKI! DON'T LEAVE ME!"

_I'm sorry, I should have realized it sooner._

"Natsuki! Natsuki Please! Open your eyes! Look at me!"

Shizuru leaned over her loves body. She cradled her head and watched the life flow out of the girl before her. Her breathing slowed, her eyes easing shut.

"NATSUKI!" She held the girls stiff body against her own, her white polo neck was drenched in blood but she didn't even notice. She rubbed Natsuki's face desperately, stroking her cheeks and hair as if by some miracle she could will life back into her.

Everything had gone numb.

Quiet.

People were running around her, she could see their mouths moving. Why weren't they doing anything? Why were they watching her love die in her arms!

_Why weren't they doing anything!_

She felt rough hands shake her, barely aware that she was being pulled backwards. Wait, _backwards_!

'_No! Natsuki!'_

She wasn't sure if she cried out, or if she made any sound at all she just lashed out around her and grabbed at thin air trying to reach her love. To hold her in her arms once more.

She was in an ambulance.

What was he saying?

Where's Natsuki?

_NATSUKI!_

Why couldn't she move?

_Why won't they let me hold her! _

She felt a pain in her arm.

_Huh? _

Why was she lying down?

The last thing she saw was a face above her mouthing something, the last thing she heard was a loud buzzing in her ears.

Then darkness took her.

* * *

><p><strong>~ Shizuru's FB ~<strong>

**I thought love was just a mirage of the mind,**

**it's an illusion, it's fake, **

**impossible to the day I met you, **

**I began to see,**

**that love is real, and exists in me.**

"_Come in" _

_The door opened a crack and a pair of curious emerald orbs peeked through the opening._

_She came._

"_I brought you some things." she shuffled into my bedroom uncomfortably and eased the door shut behind her. "I wasn't sure what you needed so…."_

"_It's okay I think I'm beyond the contagious stage you don't have to look so worried"_

"_B…baka! I was worried about you!" _

_Despite how awful I was feeling the bright red hue that reached the dark haired girl's ears brought a smile to my face._

"_Has your temperature dropped?"_

_I nodded and tried to sit up._

"_Wait!" she rushed over to me and dropped the bags she was carrying at her feet. I felt the mattress shift slightly under her weight as she sat on the edge of my bed, her arms reaching out to help me sit up._

_I could get sick more often._

"_Don't push yourself, you need your rest." Gentle hands brushed hair away from my cheek, I barely felt her hands graze my skin, so lost was I in those green, green eyes._

"_Would you like me to make some tea?" So close. Yet so far away. I could practically feel her breath on my face. I merely nodded and immediately regretted it when she began to pull away. The warmth had left me as suddenly as it had arrived._

_I closed my eyes and listened to that distinct creaking of rubbing leather as she made her way to the bedroom door._

"_Natsuki?"_

_She turned to look at me, raising a questioning eyebrow._

"_Could you just…sit with me for a while?" _

_I was pushing my luck but instantly applauded myself on being so rash when she smiled and made her way back over to me. _

_We had never agreed or disagreed to do anything about our….complicated situation after the carnival. I think we both feared the consequences of altering anything in our still fragile friendship…._

_Natsuki never did elaborate on her words that day. I never asked. She loved me. I loved her differently. It didn't matter, it was just enough that she was here with me now._

_That's what I always told myself anyway. It still never did anything to appease the sudden rush of hopefulness that overwhelmed me any time she showed me that slightly more affectionate side of her. I don't think I will every truly give up hope, even if part of me knows that my wish will never be fulfilled._

_She lay down on the bed beside me, facing me. Her arm snaking round behind me, embracing me, torturing me._

"_Ara, Natsuki's in a playful mood."_

_She pulled away. _

_Damn. _

_As much I loved teasing Natsuki, I had been trying to tone it down lately. It mostly happened unconsciously, I'd say it before I'd thought it. When I'd had time to think about it rationally, I'd come to the conclusion that it was some form of self-protection, my armour and defense against the outside world. If I felt uncomfortable or at a loss for words, I teased. It made me feel less awkward when I had the upper hand, especially in social situations._

"_E..eh! I was just…."_

_I reached out and pulled her close to me again without bothering to let her finish._

"_Shizuru!"_

_I might have coughed over-dramatically for effect. It worked. She hugged me back, I even got a back rub._

_I could definitely get sick more often._

"_Can I get you anything? Water? Medicine? Tea?"_

_I shook my head. Just hold me._

_Natsuki flinched suddenly, pulling back, a look of alarm in those distracting eyes._

"_Shizuru! You're soaking! I thought you said you're temperature went down!" she jumped up off the bed._

_Damn._

_I guess I was a little woozy, I barely registered her hand prying open my mouth and shoving a thermometer in there._

"_A hundred and one!"_

_I'm pretty sure that's your fault._

"_Shizuru we need to get you to a hospital!"_

_I shook my head and tried to sit up. I was not going to a hospital unless I was dragged there kicking and screaming in an ambulance. I hated them!_

"_Shizuru…."_

"_I'll be fine after I cool down….would you run me a bath?"_

_If I actually didn't already feel a little woozy, I would have after the cute scene played out before me. I felt awful for enjoying watching her run around panicking, but it was just too adorable not to smile at._

_I'd nearly blacked out by the time Natsuki came back into the bedroom, she helped me get to my feet and into the adjoining bathroom. I was sat down, a hand was on my forehead, then in the bath checking the temperature. The next thing I knew she was stripping._

_Yes I remember that part quite clearly actually. Although I'm still not quite sure to this day if I hallucinated that part or not…._

"_Shizuru?" _

_Part of me felt vile for thinking the thoughts I was thinking at that moment. Natsuki was panicking, practically tearing my pyjamas off me trying to get me into the bath tub._

_And I was staring at her in her underwear….._

_Well…. A leopard can't change it's spots._

"_It's alright come here."_

_No._

_I wasn't hallucinating. Every thought, every daydream, every fantasy…. Nothing could compare to this. I'd dreamt for years what it would feel like to be held like this, only to have to wake up and face the harsh reality that it had never happened at all. Yet here I sat with the girl that had plagued my dreams every night, my daydreams every minute of the day and it was real. Her skin against mine. Her cheek against mine. Her hand running through my hair….._

_Her soft hushes whispered in my ear as she rocked me back and forth in the lukewarm water. Soothing me, reassuring me….._

_Overwhelming me._

_She never did ask me why I was crying._

**I hope that one day you'll come to realize,**

**How perfect you are when seen through my eyes.**

* * *

><p><strong><span>~ Present Day ~<span>**

I awoke to the continuous sound of beeping from somewhere nearby. Believe me when I say it was annoying. A quick glance about the room told me I was in a hospital. They all looked the same. White. Clinical. Depressing.

I tried to sit up and immediately regretted it. My head was pounding. _Really_ pounding. When I went to reach out for the glass of water that was on the bedside table, I was quite shocked to find my arms strapped to the bed.

What?

Well isn't this just great. I can't exactly press the button for attention if my ARMS ARE STRAPPED DOWN!

I don't know how long I struggled for, eventually though, much to my dismay I just yelled as loud as I could for someone to come and tell me just what on earth was going on. The nurse didn't look too pleased to see me struggling. The needle in my arm and immediate drowsiness that I was succumbing to pretty much clarified that for me. I believe she wished me a goodnight before I passed out. How rude.

Doctor: "She's awake?"

The nurse closed the door behind her, hitting the attention switch off so the light would stop blinking.

Nurse: "Not anymore, she's putting up quite a struggle"

Doctor: "Did she say anything about what happened?"

Nurse: "No she was hysterical. I put her out for a little longer, she might be a little more willing to comply when she wakes up"

Doctor: "So she doesn't know about the other girl that was with her?"

Nurse: "Not yet…."

The doctor frowned and walked around from behind his station.

Doctor: "Call me when she wakes up, someone has to break the news….."

"_Natsuki…."_

**And now you lay there dying**

**Steel jaws upon your frame,**

**Life's blood slowly seeping**

**I whimper your sweet name. **

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><p>AN

Yeah I know. Depressing stuff. I have some good ideas (well I think so anyway, I hope you will agree by the end) for this story so I'm gonna be trying to get this, plus my marimite one out as fast as I can, which with my working hours is a challenege believe me. I will try to be as quick as possible though.

Stick with me here guys, like I said, you might actually be quite surprised!

Thanks for reading, please hit that little button down there and let me know what you thought if you enjoyed it. :)


	2. The Guide

Hey everyone, thanks to all you reviewers, glad you're liking the story. I've been powering away at this whilst I'm trying to get my maria sama one back in the direction I originally had intended for it. So without further ado.

**Chapter 2: The Guide**

**Now folds the lily all her sweetness up,**

**And slips into the bosom of the fold thyself, **

**my dearest, thou, and slip**

**Into my bosom and be lost in me. **

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><p><strong>Natsuki's POV<strong>

Natsuki opened her eyes and winced in pain, the bright white light sending a shearing pain through her sleepy orbs.

_The hell?_

"Ah, awake at last!"

Natsuki shielded her eyes with the back of her hand and tried to peek out from under it. She looked around and immediately shot up into a sitting position. White. Everything was….white.

"I was beginning to think you no longer needed my assistance."

She looked over her shoulder in the direction where the voice was coming from. He wasn't hard to pick out. He stood tall over her sitting form, dressed from head to toe in black.

"Ugh, how much did I drink?" Natsuki rubbed her eyes and opened them, much to her dismay, to see the same man still standing in front of her.

"Surprisingly, you are sober. But asleep."

"So I'm just dreaming?" she sighed and climbed to her feet,

_Shizuru was right, mayo before bedtime really doesn't do good things to you…. _

She lifted her hand to her head again. It felt slightly tender.

"My head hurts…." she grumbled.

"It took quite a knock" the mysterious man informed her.

"Huh?" she looked at the unmoving figure in front of her, it was hard to make out his face with the bright light surrounding her. "I thought it was just the light" she shut her eyes again for emphasis.

"You will get used to it."

"I need to wake up…." she rubbed her eyes again and shook her head.

"That is entirely up to you…"

"Well I figured that, what time is it?" she wondered aloud.

"Time has no meaning here."

She looked at the man incredulously. This was like one of those scenes from the movies. Had she watched something before bed, she did tend to over think things a little. _Maybe I'm stuck in some scene from something I watched earlier…_

"What you are experiencing is quite real I assure you."

Natsuki frowned. How did he….?

"I told you, you are asleep. Indefinitely of course, which is why this is very real."

"In….definitely?"

"Until you decide, yes. Indefinitely"

"Decide what? Just who the hell are you? I've never seen you before! How the hell are you in my dreams?"

"I'm here because you asked for me. I am your guide."

"HA! My guide?" Natsuki began pacing around, her eyes never leaving the man before her.

He calmly turned around and watched her walk circles around him.

"Yes, I'm here to help you."

"I don't need any help! I need to wake up and get to work!"

The man just smiled and turned, walking away from her.

"Hey!" she began to follow him, "Oi! Wait!"

The man turned around and smiled again. Dark eyes. Her eyes were beginning to adjust to her surroundings now, yet all she could see were those dark pools, and that amused smirk, his face was entirely….forgettable. Except for those eyes…

"Have you decided?"

"I don't know. I don't know what's going on! I don't understand anything!"

"Do you want my help?" he asked simply.

Natsuki fidgeted with the zip on her bike leathers. _What should I do? What the hell is going on? I can't wake up…. Should I listen to him? Wait, if this is all a dream then….he's not real….argh! My head…._

"The choice is yours. Your own decisiveness is what is keeping you here."

"My own decisiveness? I told you! I just want to wake up!"

"If it were that simple, you would be awake."

"I don't understand….." Natsuki rubbed her head, if I'm sleeping then why am I so tired? I just want to _sleep_!

"You will. If you follow me. I can show you."

"Show me what? There's nothing here!" she sweeped her arm around her and turned to look at him confused.

"Not here."

* * *

><p>Natsuki dropped to the ground. The hard, wet, concrete beneath her. It was raining. She was on her hands and knees.<p>

"Here" The man stood aside and revealed the trio standing behind him to Natsuki.

"Sakomizu….? …Mr. Smith? …..Me?" she watched herself hush Sakomizu, turning back to talk to Mr. Smith. _What's going on? Is this….from that time?_

Natsuki's guide kneeled beside her, his eyes not leaving the scene before him.

"What? What's going on? Why are we here?"

Her guide turned to look at her.

"Your mother….." he started.

"Mr Smith told me…." she left unfinished.

"Come." He guide climbed to his feet and reached his hand out to her.

Natsuki continued to watch herself. Her shocked face, her tears that fell and mingled with the rain. This was when she had found out about her mother. About what her mother had done to her as a child. She was sold like cattle to the highest bidder. The off-shore bank accounts had backed up what Smith had told her. Her mother had died saving her, would she still be alive if she hadn't sold her daughter in the first place? Would they have chased them off that cliff if she hadn't took their money?

"Natsuki…."

If he's showing me this, then is everything he told me true? Am I really asleep? _Stuck_ sleeping?

"Are you ready?"

Natsuki took one last look at herself and nodded, taking his hand in hers.

* * *

><p>Natsuki opened her eyes, was she in the past again? She looked up into the sky, the red HiME star shone brightly beside the moon. <em>The past.<em>

"This way…." her guide walked ahead into a small clearing amongst the trees and motioned for Natsuki to follow him.

When she reached the opening she felt a tight pain in her chest at the sight before her.

_Shizuru…._

She watched the older girl frown slightly, pain showing in those deep crimson eyes.

"The most important person to me?" the blonde asked.

Natsuki smiled, the softly spoken words rung in that lovely Kyoto-ben accent, making something inside of her feel warm.

"The decision is yours."

Natsuki suddenly felt a rush of anger flood to the surface when she spotted Nagi sitting on a branch in a nearby tree. He was speaking to Shizuru.

"If I refuse?" Shizuru smiled sweetly.

"Then you will be powerless as to the outcome anyway." Nagi grinned.

Shizuru's smile faded. She turned her back on him and looked up at the HiME star shining down on her.

Natsuki realized what was happening. The same thing had happened to her. The HiME power. Nagi had approached her once as well.

"The decision is mine?" Shizuru asked.

Nagi nodded even though Shizuru still had her back to him.

Natsuki watched in awe as Shizuru's hand went out from her side, summoning her naginata.

"A HiME's purpose is to fight the orphans and protect…." Nagi started.

"I will not fight." Shizuru stated bluntly.

Natsuki looked from Nagi to Shizuru.

"The only person I shall protect is Natsuki…."

"Come…." Natsuki's guide turned and walked away from them with Natsuki close on his heels. She glanced back one last time at Shizuru and into those dark crimson eyes.

"Why are you showing me these things?" Natsuki asked after a few minutes of following the man through the brush.

"Both of the past events that I have showed you have had a profound effect on your life. They both changed you."

"How could they I wasn't even there with Shizuru!"

"You may not have been there, but it still affected you. Shizuru chose to accept being a HiME in order to protect you. You chose to accept being a HiME in order to protect the memory of your mother, by seeking revenge. This is why you are indecisive."

"You keep saying that! What do you mean I'm indecisive!"

"Shizuru…." he stated simply.

"What! This is about her? I chose to die for Shizuru! She died with me! I held her in my arms!"

"Weren't you simply killing two birds with one stone?" he asked nonchalantly.

"HUH!" Natsuki's cheeks flushed red in anger.

"You made a decision that day. To forgive your mother. You also chose to accept Shizuru. You didn't choose to fight."

"We wouldn't have survived. I wanted to be with Shizuru."

"Ah! But wouldn't you have also been with….your mother?"

"NO! You're full of it! I gave my life that day to be with Shizuru! She is the most important person in my life!"

"The most important. But is she the only important? I think part of you knew that if you passed on, there was a chance you might get to see your mother again. Unfortunately, things don't quite work that way…."

"YOU'RE FULL OF IT! YOU'RE LYING!" Natsuki screamed at him.

"No, that's quite impossible. I cannot lie you see."

Natsuki tried to calm herself, concentrating first on slowing her breathing.

_Cannot lie you say?_

"Then tell me…what happened to me? Tell me why I'm here, and don't say it's because I'm _indecisive_. I want to know how I _got_ here."

"That, I can show you."

* * *

><p>"Shizuru!"<p>

I stood on the path across the road from myself. Watching myself as I called out her name cheerfully, sitting on my bike. The door to the apartment opened and from behind it the blonde stepped out onto the street. _Shizuru…._

Shizuru smiled warmly, genuinely.

"Do we have time for tea?" she asked hopefully.

"Umm…." I watched myself struggle to pull back my leather sleeve to glance at my watch. "Sure, two secs…."

I climbed off my bike, kicking the stand down and turning off the engine.

"Hey…." she smiled sheepishly as I approached her.

"Hey…." I replied back, my damn cheeks heating up again. That was actually kind of embarrassing to watch from the outside.

"Tea…?" she teased, reaching for my arm and slowly pulling me into her apartment.

I watched myself nod dumbly, letting myself be pulled inside.

"Shall we?" my guide asked as I watched myself close Shizuru's apartment door across the street. I nodded.

"You still have no preference where we go today?" I watched myself and Shizuru from across the room. I was sitting quite comfortably on the vast couch that took up most of the back wall. Shizuru was standing whisking the powder into a thick paste in the tea bowl.

"I'm just happy to be spending some time with you. Natsuki can choose where we go."

"Well when you invited me for tea I thought you meant….ya know, kettle, cup, teabag. There's not much point in visiting a tea house if you're preparing some from scratch now…."

Shizuru giggled.

"What's so funny?"

"I don't think I've ever had teabags in my kitchen." she grinned at Natsuki's stunned expression.

"But! But I always make you tea with them! Are you telling me you don't like them!"

"Ara, I never said that. I enjoy Natsuki's tea. It's the effort that's put into making it that makes it taste all the sweeter." she set my cup down in front of me.

"I boil the kettle and pour water in the cup…..what are you talking about?"

"It's hot." Shizuru warned.

I watched myself scald my tongue and curse rather loudly. When I actually stop to think about it, what _does_ Shizuru see in me?

"Aaaaa…." I held my hand over my mouth.

"I'm sorry I should have said sooner. Want me to kiss it better?" Shizuru leaned towards me and I watched in both amusement and confusion at myself flinching and pushing myself further into the sofa away from her. My mouth gaping in disbelief.

Now I understand why she teases me, I _am_ quite amusing to watch.

"B..BAKA!" I stared at her dumbfounded.

"Ara, I thought when Natsuki's mouth opened she was inviting me. My mistake…."

Shizuru winked and got to her feet. "I'll be right back…."

I watched her walk right in front of me, I watched those sad eyes and stiff form retreat into the bathroom. Sometimes, I really was an idiot. I noticed nothing.

"Ready to go?" I called from the open doorway.

"Yes," Shizuru reached into her closet and pulled one of her coats from the hanger. "Ready" she smiled warmly and walked out the door with me.

Broken, upset and ashamed to happy, excited and eager in zero point five seconds. She still amazes me.

I watched myself place my helmet on Shizuru's head, fasten it under her chin and knock it playfully on top. I was an idiot, but for some reason she laughed and proceeded to climb on the bike after me. She wrapped her arms around me and gave me the thumbs up when I'd turn to ask if she was ready over the roaring of the Ducati's engine. Off we went.

**The gentle wind sweeps through the air,**

**A cool breeze blows through my hair,**

**It makes me want to fly way up high,**

**And it carries me up to the cloudy sky.**

"So…?" I turned to look at the man watching the bike grow smaller in the distance. "What's the deal here?"

"This is where it ends." he clarified.

"Huh! What do you mean, ends?"

"You wished to know why you are here."

"Yeah but….what do you mean ends? Where is Shizuru!" I felt myself begin to panic. I didn't like this one bit. When I thought of Shizuru and me on that bike, my guides unrevealing poker face, what he had said to me earlier….._oh god what happens to Shizuru? _The bile began to rise to the back of my throat.

_What happened? Why isn't she here with me? Where is she?_

"By your side"

"I don't….huh?" I don't get it.

**I'm floating my way past cloud nine,**

**Suddenly my life seems perfectly fine,**

**I feel the wind strong in my face,**

**I begin to love this wonderful place.**

I saw my Ducati coming over the hill in front of us. I turned to look at the man standing next to me. His eyes were distant, focusing on me and Shizuru driving towards us. I heard the beeping come from behind me and turned to watch several people walk through the crossing. The beeping stopped. A car approaching slowed, then picked up speed when the lights stopped flashing. I felt myself begin to panic all over again. That horrible heavy feeling in your chest as you watch everything around you begin to blur, to slow down as if time itself were stopping. I was helpless. All I could do was watch the events unfold before me. Watch as….

_No…._

"Yumiko, hurry up or you'll be late for school."

"Mummy look a puppy!"

_Please. No._

"Yumiko leave it alone we need to go, quick!"

The woman stopped and waved for the young girl to catch up to her.

The little girl ran.

She ran to her mother.

Past her mother.

And onto the crossing.

I watched in horror, the same expression on her mothers face, as the little girl ran onto the road.

I didn't need to look behind me. I heard the deafening screech of my tires on the tarmac. I heard myself and Shizuru cry out in alarm.

I didn't need to watch.

Now I remembered.

The sickening crunch of plastic and metal scrape and slide over the ground could be heard.

I shut my eyes tightly.

_Please, let this be a dream. A sick, twisted dream. Tell me this didn't really happen._

"Natsuki!" I turned at the sound of her voice and watched her undo the clasp of her helmet. Shizuru.

My helmet. I gave it to her.

_Thank god. _

She jumped to her feet despite the tears in her clothing, the blood stains on her jeans. She ran towards me.

_She looks so scared. It's okay Shizuru…. _

_I'm right here._

She stopped a few feet in front of me and collapsed. I heard her cry out. I watched the tears stream down her cheeks. I watched her scream my name as she picked my lifeless body from the ground. Cradling me. Her forehead against mine. She chanted my name over and over. She asked me to open my eyes. She asked me to look at her. She asked me not to leave, and I watched her crumble, shuddering over me when I couldn't comply.

"Make it stop….."

"Natsuki?" the man turned to look at me.

Shizuru rocked me back and forth, her white polo neck slowly seeping red as she held me. So much blood….

"Please, just _MAKE IT STOP!"_

I watched the horror scene in front of me fade away as the tears flowed freely down my cheeks.

Now I understood what happened. I remembered Shizuru calling out my name. How could I forget?

* * *

><p>"Now you know how you are here…." the man spoke.<p>

I looked up at the shadowy figure in front of me, back in that god awful bright white light.

"Actually, now I know why my head hurts…" My sorry attempt at humour. He didn't laugh. "Where is Shizuru….?"

"I already answered that question."

"You said she was by my side….."

"She is."

"But…..I'm….dead. Aren't I?"

"You keep repeating the same questions." he stated rather bored.

"That's because I don't know what the hell is going on!" I shouted, beginning to lose my patience with the man.

"Think about what I have told you." again, he replied in a calm voice.

I have been thinking. I haven't _stopped_ thinking since I woke up here! You told me I was here because of my indecisiveness. You told me I was asleep, indefinitely. I'm not dreaming. Everything you have shown me has happened to me. It's all real. So the accident….. Shizuru….. Is she okay? What happened to her after? She's not by my side, but if I'm not dead and she isn't dead then how could she be? So I'm still alive. Just….asleep? Wait. If I'm asleep. Shizuru is by my side…. _Indefinitely…._

"I'm in a coma." I blurted out in disbelief.

Sudden realization hitting me.

"Precisely"

**All my troubles are floating far away,But in the sky, I wish they would stay,I will not cry when I'm flying up here,I won't even shed one single tear.**

* * *

><p><strong>Shizuru's POV<strong>

"I think this is a little unnecessary." Shizuru commented as the doctor wheeled the chair into her room.

"Technically you are on bed rest until you heal. We wouldn't want to set ourselves back to square one now would we?"

_Absolutely. In fact, if I have to drag myself around in that I think I might pay the stairs a visit._

"Gently…." the doctor reached out his hand to help Shizuru down onto the wheelchair. She ignored him and stood up defiantly before sitting herself down.

"Are we ready to go?" He asked leaning down to look into her face.

She turned her head.

"I can get there myself. Thank you."

The doctor nodded and stepped away from her, albeit hesitantly. Her ribs were still badly broken on her right side, her right leg also fractured in seven different places. It was clear she was in a lot of pain, no matter how much of a brave front she put up. She just didn't want anyone to notice. The doctor was more impressed that she had lashed out hysterically to the point where they had had to sedate her to calm her. _How she had managed to even pick herself up off of the ground…._

"Room Four One eight" the doctor stated and turned to leave.

"_Four_ one eight?" she looked at him accusingly.

The doctor bowed his head, not turning around and left the room without another word.

_They moved her. They moved her from ICU._

Shizuru shook her head and began to make her way towards the elevator. She knew what it meant but she decided not to dwell on it and just get there as soon as she could so she could spend more time with her.

_If they moved her….._

She pushed number four on the elevator and watched the doors close in front of her.

_They don't expect her to wake up…._

"Ah! Fujino-san!" The nurse stood up from behind her station as Shizuru exited the elevator.

_Not again…._

"Good morning" Shizuru smiled her best.

The nurse watched her wheel herself up to the front of her desk.

_Don't look at me with such sympathy…._

"I'm here to see Natsuki" Shizuru stated the obvious.

"Of course, let me help you…." she went to move out behind Shizuru.

"No need, I'm perfectly capable." she began to make her way down the hall towards her destination when the nurse made her halt.

"There's still no change…."

"I figured that out all by myself actually" Shizuru snapped. Immediately regretting the outburst.

The nurse flinched.

"I see, well, if you need anything….." the nurse continued.

"I'll be sure not to call out to you too loudly. God forbid I wake someone up." Shizuru retorted sarcastically before moving on.

She felt the anger well up inside her, threatening to overflow. She had lost her composure again. Childish outbursts and nasty come backs were not her. She hated hospitals. She hated her situation. She hated the fact that….

Shizuru opened the door gently.

_Natsuki…._

She hated the fact, that the person she loved more than life itself was lying with barely any life left in her. Tubes connected to machines. That god awful annoying beeping of the monitor that haunted her in her sleep. Yet she dreaded the day it would cease…..

"Good morning Natsuki" she smiled and swung the door shut behind her, making her way towards the bedside of her beloved. "I had the strangest of dreams last night…."

_You were by my side as I slept. You whispered softly in my ear and planted the softest kiss on my cheek. You told me you'd never leave me. That you'd come back for me…._

Shizuru realized the absurdity of it all. Her loves chest struggled to rise, and fell quickly after it's strenuous climb. The sound of her breath drowned out by the awful noise of the machine connected to her mouth, the machine that was breathing for her.

_Would she want to live like this….?_

**If I never loved,**

**I never would have cried**

**I am a rock**

**I am an island**

**And a rock feels no pain**

**And an island never cries.**

* * *

><p><strong>Natsuki's POV<strong>

"I want to see Shizuru" Natsuki pleaded.

"I don't doubt that."

"Send me back then! I want to wake up!" Natsuki flung her arms about her, obviously frustrated.

"I can't wake you up Natsuki. That is out of my power. I already told you…."

"Yeah! Yeah! I have to wake myself up! I know I heard you! But it's not working now _is it_?"

"Do you want to see your mother?" the guide deadpanned, making Natsuki blink in surprise.

"….."

"I can show you."

"I….I don't know…." Natsuki broke eye contact when she felt the tears well up in her eyes.

"You _will_ have to decide. Sooner rather than later."

Natsuki met his eyes again, frowning at his choice of words.

"Sooner rather than later? What's _that_ supposed to mean?"

"I have no control over outside influences Natsuki, only what you wish to be shown _here. _I can help you, if you help me."

"Do you always speak in riddles?"

"What starts with an E, ends in an E and only contains one letter?"

"An envelope. Now answer my question." Natsuki folded her arms in front of her.

The man smiled, if not because he was slightly taken aback by her sharpness.

"I am here to help you Natsuki, I merely give you the clues, information of a sort if you will. I can't make any decisions for you. That is up to you."

"So you're giving me information but _not_ giving me information right?"

"Right."

"Fine. Show me."

"What is it you wish to see?"

"My mother. Show me…"

"As you wish…."

* * *

><p><strong>Shizuru's POV<strong>

"Can you hear me?" Shizuru whispered. Her head resting beside Natsuki's on the girl's pillow.

"I'm right here. I'm not leaving until you wake up Natsuki…" she brushed a stray lock of Sapphire coloured hair from the girl's cheek, caressing that soft skin lightly with her fingers.

She sighed, finding amusement in the fact that she only ever seemed to open up to the girl when she was unconscious. Amusement and sorrow. She winced slightly as foggy memories of what had happened when Natsuki was asleep before her last time, hit her suddenly as if in warning. She pulled her hand away and clenched it into a fist. _Never again. _Trying to think of slightly happier times, her face broke into a warm smile as she remembered a particular time that stood out in her memory from all the rest.

"_Geez keep your hands to yourself!" Natsuki recoiled from my outstretched hand._

"_Ara, Natsuki had something on her leg." _

"_Yes, a skirt." she blushed furiously, watching cautiously as my hand settled beside her knee._

"_Natsuki doesn't enjoy my touch?" I teased._

"_Natsuki thinks Shizuru enjoys touching a little too much."_

_I arched my eyebrow playfully. I always get the sweetest blushes when I do._

"_Don't even think about it." Natsuki stated with finality._

_I sighed loudly and leaned back on both of my outstretched arms, squinting slightly as I looked up at the bright sun shining down on us through the leaves. I love this place. Sitting in Fuuka Garden under this tree was one of my favourite times of the day. By fifth period, I always found myself eagerly anticipating the bell signalling the end of the lesson. Something that was completely out of character for me if I'm honest. Not that I'd ever never admit that to anyone._

"_Wanna go for a ride?" Natsuki asked out of the blue._

"_We have class again in twenty minutes." I stated. Flatly. "Don't tell me you were planning on skipping again?"_

"_No, of course not! We can be back in twenty minutes…." Natsuki shrugged as if it didn't matter. _

"_Okay." This could be fun. I jumped up and reached my hand down for her to take._

"_Twenty minutes. Not one second later, okay?"_

"_Yeah sure." You're so adorable when you're flustered._

"_Ara, you don't sound very confident in your own abilities Natsuki…." I started playfully._

"_I'm confident! I…I'll get you back before final bell! Promise!"_

_I held out my pinky finger which Natsuki joined with eagerly._

_**You took my hand in yours…**_

"_So tell me. How fast can Natsuki drive?"_

_Natsuki was giggling each time she revved the engine, she knew how I hated that. I love to play but somehow this one came back and slapped me on the face. I hate going fast. In anything. When we took off down the road I clutched on to her tighter. I watched over her shoulder in horror when she clocked zero to eighty in….how many seconds was that! I couldn't take much more of this. She was getting faster, the corners were getting tighter and she looks as if she's about to…..oh no….. _

_That was the first time I heard you laugh so….honestly. So openly. My heart soared when I heard it. Everything up until this point had been worth it Natsuki. To see you smile, to hear you laugh. And all it took was for me to open up a little bit more to you too. Even if it was out of character for me. Even if it was a one time thing. I'm glad you shared it with me. _

_**You lifted your bike off the ground…**_

_**We soared through the air…**_

_**You laughed so honestly…**_

…_**..I screamed so very loudly…**_

"_Natsuki!" I squeezed tighter around Natsuki's waist. _

_S.t.o.p t.h.e b.i.k.e!_

_Natsuki immediately slowed down, pulling off onto a familiar spot above a cliff top shortly afterwards._

"_See?" Natsuki climbed off her bike and held out her hand for me to help me down, "No time at all"_

"_Ara, so pretty! Where are we?" I pulled the helmet off my head and walked closer to the edge of the cliff top, stopping at the safety railing along the edge._

_Natsuki shrugged._

"_Just somewhere I like to come when I want to be alone, ya know. To…think."_

_She walked over and joined me at the railing. _

"_Mum, this is Shizuru."_

_I looked down at the bunch of flowers by Natsuki's feet. You….brought me here? To where your mother…._

"_She's a little creepy, always answers a question with a question and seems to find enjoyment in grabbing….."_

"_NATSUKI!" this….is embarrassing, if I say so myself._

_You smiled at me. You looked out over the calm sea. You inhaled sharply._

"_But she's the most important person to me."_

_**You surprised me.**_

_True to my character I had absolutely no idea what to say to you. What could I say? I promised myself I'd wait for you. I'd wait until you were ready. What you had said. The way you had said it. I had absolutely no idea what was going on in that head of yours Natsuki. To this day…. I still don't. You're the only person that can make me feel like I'm soaring through the sky one minute and crashing back down to earth, to harsh reality the next. I couldn't read you. But I'd wait for you. No matter how long it took._

"_Liar."_

"_Huh!" _

_Yes. I am spoiling the mood. Why? Once again Natsuki, you have rendered me speechless. The only person that has ever, ever been able to break me so easily like that._

"_Liar…you told me twenty minutes."_

_Like I cared. Right now, with you. That's all that matters. _

"_I'm sorry."_

_I shook my head, took you hand in mine and sat down with you right there on the edge of that cliff. You took your jacket off and placed it beneath us. We sat that way, words barely exchanged as we watched the sun set. _

_That day, was the first day I had ever skipped school._

_That day, was the day I was reminded of all the little things that made me fall in love with you. _

_Not that I forgot._

_I could never forget Natsuki._

**_What I wouldn't give to hear you whisper my name,  
>To see your smile, feel your touch over and over again<br>Watch you stutter and blush, whilst you try to pull away  
>Pretending not to notice what my eyes are trying to say<br>But the words never leave my mouth, oh, believe me,  
>I've been trying!<br>Because even though I tease and I flirt, on the inside,  
>I'm crying.<br>Everyday with you is painful, my insides are tearing apart,  
>How exactly do you tell someone so important,<br>that you love them with all your heart?  
>Come back to me my love, after all that we have been through!<br>Open your eyes and listen to me,  
>when I tell you how much I love you.<em>**

* * *

><p>AN

I think that is possibly the longest chapter I have ever written! And it's still short! I forgot to mention in the previous chapter that all of the poetry in this fic is taken either out of my favourites, or from random sources that I have liked on the web. The only one I have written is Shizuru's poem above at the end. (Apologies I haven't written poetry since school which was a goood while ago. Nah I'm not that old. Just out of practice!)

Well I got sucked right in haha! Well I guess you guys weren't expecting this angle :/

This idea was actually stemmed from another (slightly darker) idea that I haven't had the guts to write yet. Why? Because if you thought this was upsetting I had some deep, dark places to go with the other one. Some people don't like that sort of stuff.

Anyways hope you enjoyed. Let me know what you think. It makes writing all that much easier to know you're enjoying it out there! Or hating. I'm fine with that too….


	3. The Here and Now

Hey guys sorry for the delay! I've been working on another on-going fic and I tend to completely block out anything else when I write so I end up zoning out at work and getting weird looks, it just took a little longer to sort this out on paper than in my head. Well, word processor should I say. I've had so many ideas floating around in my head for the upcoming chapters (which I've still to write by the way ^^;) but everything I have I'm like, "That's for a later chapter, that's for a later chapter…." so yeah I have no idea how long this will be, it wasn't supposed to be long originally! It's also a little emotionally draining, constantly writing depressing things, certainly puts a damper on things. I guess you could say I need to be in a sort of deep mood in order to write this. Which is difficult when your room mate is humming the Harry Potter tune and excitedly counting down the days until the last film. I'm guessing I will be dragged along.

Anyways I'm rambling. Enjoy…

Thanks for taking the time to review!

Disclaimer: I own not a damned thing. Except the depressing scenario. Go figure…

I apologize in advance for the poem below. I got pretty depressed writing it lol

* * *

><p><em><strong>Open your eyes my love,<strong>_  
><em><strong>It's been so long since i have seen,<strong>_  
><em><strong>Those kind and truely beautiful eyes,<strong>_  
><em><strong>of sparkling forest green.<strong>_

_**I'm sitting here waiting for you,**_  
><em><strong>tirelessly whispering your name,<strong>_  
><em><strong>Undeterred, by your unmoving form,<strong>_  
><em><strong>and face that stays the same.<strong>_

_**But nothing seems to stir you,**_  
><em><strong>god knows that I have tried,<strong>_  
><em><strong>So I wait for you to draw that last breath,<strong>_  
><em><strong>so I can meet you on the other side.<strong>_

* * *

><p><strong>Natsuki's POV<strong>

When Natsuki opened her eyes she felt her chest tighten, she couldn't exactly pin down what she was feeling at that precise moment but if she had to explain it, it would be something like, Nostalgic? Longing? Dread? She wasn't sure.

She stood in her old bedroom. Her _only_ bedroom per say, in her opinion. Nothing else had ever felt as much like home as where she stood now. Even if it had only been for the first few years of her life, looking around, it felt like she had never left. Everything was as it should be. Her small single bed in the corner against the far wall, her little desk with her pop-up books her mother used to read her, her small wardrobe and dresser against the opposite wall. All of her toys, her night light. (She used to be afraid of the dark as a child) and Duran. Sitting on her pillow. Her favourite toy by far. The one her mother had given her years before as a birthday present, when Natsuki had pleaded with her for a dog. Her mother had said no. She was too young too look after it and too young to take it out for walks by herself. Her mother sure as hell didn't have the time to go with her, not with work.

Natsuki walked over to her bed. She tentatively reached out for the toy. Almost afraid to touch it. Could she touch it? All of this was just a memory was it not? She almost had it in her hand when the door behind her burst open and a young girl rushed in. _She_ rushed in. How old was she then? Five? Seven?

"I found it mommy! I found it!" she watched her younger self pick up the toy and cuddle it childishly under her chin, swinging from side to side in delight.

"Natsuki?"

Natsuki froze. She turned slowly, almost afraid that that everything before her would vanish if she didn't tread carefully. She lifted her eyes and found her mothers. Those same vibrant green eyes. She felt as if her blood was beginning to boil, could practically feel it rushing through her veins. The pounding in her ears almost deafened her, as her heartbeat practically doubled in an instant. A mixture of anger, excitement and relief flooded through her. "Mommy….."

"Mommy!" her younger self squealed at the same time, "Mommy! Look! I found Duran! I found him! He was here all along!"

"See? didn't I tell you you'd just forgotten him? Honestly, you got yourself so worked up over nothing!"

"I thought I'd lost him mommy!" Natsuki sniffed.

Natsuki watched her mother hush her younger self, pulling her into her embrace and stroking her hair. _I wish that was me_….. She laughed at the irony. _It is me. Was me. Why do I suddenly feel like crying?_

"Ne, it's Natsuki's birthday tomorrow yes?"

"Yes!" Young Natsuki flung a victory punch in the air and grinned. "I'm a whole year older than I was before!"

Her mother laughed.

"That's…._one _way of looking at it." she smiled in adoration of her young little princess clapping her hands in excitement.

"Can I have my present now mummy? Pleeaaase!"

Her mother giggled and shook her head, earning a pout from her younger self.

"Natsuki can have her present when she wakes up. It's time for bed!"

Natsuki flinched at her mothers choice of words. Shizuru always spoke Natsuki's name like that. Shizuru was the one that always spoke of Natsuki in the third person. _Shizuru…._

How odd. To be standing watching her younger self talking with her mother _then, _but to be older in _this_ time and thinking of Shizuru…._then, also_?

_Why am I thinking of Shizuru in the past tense? Isn't Shizuru my….future now? Here? My head is melting…._

"Mommyyyy…."

"Ah ah! No complaining! It's your big day tomorrow, you don't want to be sleepy do you?"

Young Natsuki frowned.

"Mommy….? Can you…..stay with me tonight? I don't like sleeping by myself….."

Her mother smiled mischievously.

"You want company?"

Young Natsuki nodded. Her mother stroked her cheek and sighed.

"Okay….I guess there's no choice. In to bed with you. I'll be right back…."

Young Natsuki beamed at her mother and punched her fist in the air again in victory before climbing in to bed.

Her mother left them both in the bedroom and disappeared into the dimly lit hallway.

Natsuki turned and looked at herself. I look so…._innocent_.

A loud, but excited yelp startled both Natuski and….herself out of their reverie and they both turned to look at the door.

In bound the dog, racing across the floor, jumping onto the bed, off the bed, round in circles…the thing was _hyper_.

"DOGGIE!" Natsuki practically screamed, jumping out of the bed and running across the room to both it and her mother, who was leaning against the doorframe smiling at her daughters reaction.

"Duran" Her mother clarified.

Young Natsuki's eyes lit up and she practically threw herself against the dog, now sitting calmly at her mothers feet. Duran really didn't seem to mind and decided to show it by licking the length of Natsuki's face.

"Eeeeeew!" Young Natsuki giggled and wiped the saliva off of her cheek.

Her mother laughed.

Natsuki watched as the scene played out in front of her and found herself laughing along with herself and her mother.

That was until Duran turned and looked directly at her.

Natsuki froze. Surely he can't….._see me_….

Duran began growling, causing young Natsuki to back away and look at her mother frightened.

"Duran!" Her mother scolded and went to reach for his collar. She missed, as he took off across the room.

He stopped before Natsuki and crouched, _sniffing_ around her feet. Natsuki looked across the room at her guide who had been comfortably seated in the corner, silently the whole time. He raised an eyebrow.

"How….?" Natsuki asked.

The guide smiled.

"Can he….._see_ me?"

"No, he merely senses your presence." The man virtually slipped off of the seat and walked towards Natsuki. "Haven't you ever heard of a dog's sixth sense?" he smirked.

"But….how? I'm not….really here right? This is all the past!"

"Wrong. You are _in_ your past Natsuki. You are here. _Then_."

"So this is real? This is all actually happening? I'm not just remembering?" Natsuki looked at her mother's glowing face across the room, wishing she could just rush over and embrace her.

"Precisely."

"Can I…..?"

"No." He answered.

Natsuki looked at him surprised.

"You cannot change the past Natsuki." he turned from Natsuki's mother and looked into the dark haired girls frowning face. He shrugged. "Everyone asks that question"

"Oh….." he watched her green eyes fill with sadness.

"People have a more profound effect on people and their surroundings than they think they do. If you were to change one little thing. Shift the tiniest object or speak something only _slightly_ differently…." he trailed off.

"It would effect the future?"

"Not only the future Natsuki. The present."

Natsuki was about to ask him something when she saw her mother jump up from her crouching position behind the guide. She was looking right through Natsuki at the window in alarm.

"Mommy?" young Natsuki asked.

"Natsuki….." her mother looked around, the panic clearly showing in her face.

"We can leave…." her guide suggested, reaching out his hand for Natsuki to take.

Natsuki watched as her mother ran towards her, she watched as she turned back to her younger self and pressed her finger to her lips for little Natsuki to be quiet. Natsuki also heard the sound of car doors slamming shut from the window. She knew what was to come….

"Natsuki?" her guide softly prodded.

"I want to stay. I can't….remember."

Her guide simply nodded and went back to his seat at the far corner of the room. Natsuki turned back to her mother and watched the woman's eye's dart across from side to side, taking in the scene below the window. They widened. In horror.

"Natsuki!" her mother called out sharply.

Natuski herself began to panic. She'd been through this once before, but the effect was no less. The sight of her mother panicking and running about the room still made her heart race, even though she knew what was about to happen.

"Natsuki…." her mother leaned down in front of young Natsuki and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "Sweetie, we need to go. _Right now_. Don't worry…. Just don't let go of my hand you hear?"

Little Natsuki's brow wrinkled, her eyes searched her mums face and her arms tightened around Duran. Even little Natsuki could see her mother's distress.

"Don't worry baby just…..we need to go. Quickly!" she grabbed Natsuki's hand and started for the bedroom door.

"Mommy! Duran!" Little Natsuki reached out behind her at the whimpering dog.

"Baby we don't have time! We need to go right now!"

"Mommy!"

"NATSUKI!"

Natsuki flinched at her mother's screaming voice. Little Natsuki flinched also. Tears coming to her eyes.

"Okay baby, I'm sorry I didn't mean to shout" her mother lifted her up and slapped her thigh for Duran to follow. She raced out the open door and took off down the hallway. Natsuki watched Duran run out after them and followed as quickly as she could.

"Mommy I'm scared!" Little Natsuki whimpered, her face pressed into her mum's neck.

"It's okay baby, mommy's here"

_I'm scared too. _Natsuki thought, watching her reoccurring nightmare unfold before her. Only this time it was real. Again.

Her mother placed her in the back seat of the car and buckled the seatbelt. Duran jumped in beside little Natsuki, who quickly wrapped her arms around him. Natsuki heard shouts and door's being kicked open from the building behind her and turned to see her mother's eye's widen at that exact sound. She rushed round and climbed into the drivers seat, the engine soon roaring to life. The car took off, screeching around a corner Natsuki could see in the distance.

"You already know what happens. You've lived this before."

Natsuki jumped slightly at the voice behind her. She turned to her guide and eyed him.

"I've re-lived _all_ of this before, why are you trying to stop me now?"

The guide merely shrugged.

"I need to see…" Natsuki begged.

"As you wish…." he reached out and took her hand.

* * *

><p>Natsuki shielded her eyes from the bright light.<p>

_Am I there yet? What's with the blinding light? There's never usually…..wait headlights?_

"What….oh _shit_!" Natsuki instinctively ducked and covered her head with her hands as the oncoming vehicle shot through her and over the cliff behind her.

_NO!_

"MUM!" Natsuki cried, diving for the ledge. _Too late._

"Nothing can be changed Natsuki….." the guide said almost too calmly, walking towards her.

"SHUT UP!"

He stopped in his tracks. His expression unreadable.

"Mother…." Natsuki lowered her head onto her arms. The tears fell freely.

"It's time to go back."

"No…..I don't want to go…." Natsuki whimpered.

She blinked.

_Damn white room again._

"I said I didn't want to leave dammit!" she screamed at him.

Her guide watched her calmly as she lifted herself off of the ground and shot him an immense look of displeasure.

"Natsuki. I am here to show you what you wish to see. However, that….you did not wish to see."

"What the hell do you know!" she snapped angrily.

He shrugged again.

"I just wanted to….hold her….." she sunk to her knees and felt the tears well up in her eyes again.

"Understandable…."

Natsuki shot him another death glare.

"However, this is merely one side of you. Do you wish to see the other side?"

"Say that in a way I'll understand and _then_ I'll answer you." she snapped.

"You've already lived in your past. I've shown you some things you have seen before."

Natsuki sat motionless. She felt drained.

"Natsuki?"

She sighed and looked up into the man's dark eyes.

"Would you like me to show you what you haven't seen before?"

"Wha…." Natsuki slowly lifted herself off of the floor and stood, eye-level with the man in front of her. "What do you mean?"

"The present."

Natsuki's eyes widened. "The…the present?"

_Shizuru…._

"The future." he continued.

"You can…._do_ that?"

The man snorted. "I can show you what the future _could_ be like. It would never be exact of course. That depends entirely on what you decide. Your actions decide your future Natsuki. I can show you what _kind_ of future you could have."

"If…." Natsuki stopped, trying to sort it all out in her head. "If I'm _living _in all of this right now" she looked around the vast white emptiness around her. "That means that none of this is a dream right?"

"Precisely."

"Then what am I dreaming?"

The man smiled. Almost as if he was impressed.

"That Natsuki. _That_ I can show to you as well."

* * *

><p><strong>Previous week<strong>

_**When I dream the dream of paradise**_  
><em><strong>I see a picture of you<strong>_  
><em><strong>And when I dream the dream of love and care<strong>_  
><em><strong>I see a picture of us two<strong>_

"Ara…." Shizuru stepped back from the door and smiled at the drenched figure standing before her.

Natsuki rolled her eyes.

"Natsuki got caught in the rain?" Shizuru asked innocently.

"What would give you that idea?" Natsuki flicked her hair and almost felt sorry when she watched Shizuru flinch and reach to wipe the water out of her eye where she'd been splashed. _Almost_ felt sorry.

Shizuru looked her up and down and grinned.

"Wha…..what?" Natsuki instantly felt the heat rise in her under that intense gaze.

"Natsuki will catch a cold if she's not careful."

"Natsuki already caught a cold" she pushed past the older girl and into her apartment. "Off you…."

Shizuru smiled fondly at the memory of Natsuki nursing her back to health only a month previous. In the bath no less.

_Ara….there's an idea…._

"Would Natsuki like to take a bath?"

Natsuki froze at the entrance.

"It will warm you up." Shizuru teased.

Glad that her back was to the girl Natsuki kicked off her shoes and stepped into the living room.

"I'm fine thank you!" she snapped rather harshly and made her way over to the sofa. Pausing.

"Ara, Natsuki isn't thinking about sitting on my sofa in wet clothes is she?"

"Shizuru…." Natsuki's warned.

"But it will be ruined Natsukii!" Shizuru feigned a horrified look as Natsuki turned around. Shizuru watched the girl begin to falter under the look she was giving her.

_Hooked. She inwardly smiled._

"Fine." Natsuki sighed. "Do you have some clothes I could borrow?"

Shizuru grinned. "Of course."

Shizuru watched Natsuki out of the corner of her eye as she made her way towards her bedroom and motioned for the younger girl to follow her.

Natsuki's eyes went wide. Her pulse increased. Her cheeks went _very_ red.

"Is something the matter Natsuki?"

"Nn..Noth… NO!" Natsuki strode towards her defiantly, glaring at her all the while.

Shizuru smirked as Natsuki passed her.

_Aaaaand…_

Natsuki continued into Shizuru's room.

_Reeled in….._

"Shut the damn door behind you the curtains are open!" Natsuki screeched as Shizuru approached her.

_As you wish…._

Shizuru was glancing at the door handle over her shoulder as she pressed her back against the door. She smiled at it when it made a satisfactory 'click'

Natsuki gulped.

Shizuru lifted her gaze and met the younger girls eyes.

…..

"Shizuru?"

Shizuru seemed to snap out of some trance. Her eyes were already on Natsuki's so she just raised her eyebrows in a questioning manner.

"Umm….the clothes?" Natsuki asked curiously.

Shizuru looked confused. Natsuki just frowned at her in response.

_OH!_

Shizuru blushed slightly at letting herself get so distracted and walked towards her dresser. She pulled open a drawer, then another, almost flustered.

Natsuki frowned slightly.

_What am I doing? What do I do? What do I give her?_

Realizing Shizuru's obvious distress and more _surprised_ by Shizuru's distress than anything else, Natsuki walked over to Shizuru and placed her arms around her.

"Ah…." Shizuru straightened and stared blankly in shock at the wall in front of her. _Walls. Walls were good. Snap out of it!_

"I'm staying." Natsuki whispered to her. _Clarified_ for her. She squeezed slightly, almost embarrassed at her arms being around the older girls waist.

Shizuru blinked, opened the middle drawer again and lifted out one of her favourite nightgowns. She passed it over her shoulder, still dumbfounded and a little speechless. She was afraid to move, if she moved Natsuki would let go.

Natsuki lifted her hand off of Shizuru's waist and reached for the shirt. She paused when her hand brushed against the soft skin of her hand. Shizuru's hand.

Shizuru held her breath.

_This is getting awkward. Although…. Surely….it wouldn't be awkward if Natsuki wasn't feeling the same. Would it?_

…_.why isn't she moving?_

"I'm sorry Shizuru." Natsuki lifted the shirt off of Shizuru's hand and took a step backwards, which meant letting go of Shizuru's waist.

Natsuki didn't see Shizuru's shoulders drop. Maybe if she had she would have realised the older girl had been holding her breath the entire time.

"For….what?" Shizuru finally managed to force out.

Natsuki waited until the older girl had turned to face her.

_Oh god no, I've pushed her too far. Why is she apologising? _

"I…."

"Natsuki…." Shizuru took a step forward.

"I haven't got you a present yet!" Natsuki squeezed her eyes shut, not wanting to see the disappointment in Shizuru's face.

Shizuru stopped in her tracks.

"I'm sorry!" Natsuki almost shouted, "I couldn't decide and I kept thinking if I kept looking I'd find something but…." she was cut off when she felt herself enveloped in Shizuru's warm embrace.

"Baka." Shizuru whispered into her ear, her left hand combing through the younger girls long tresses.

Natsuki lit up like a flame.

"That's my line!" she regretfully pushed Shizuru away in embarrassment and searched around her for something to focus on instead of the frowning girl in front of her.

Shizuru giggled. She couldn't help it. This girl was too cute.

Natsuki scratched her shoulder and frowned deeply, catching Shizuru's attention.

"Are you alright?"

Natsuki nodded, slightly embarrassed and tried to calm herself, even bringing herself to look into those dazzling garnet orbs in front of her. She could loose herself in that gaze.

"What are you….I mean….do you have….plans….?" Natsuki finished lamely. Cursing herself.

Shizuru smiled. "I'm not doing anything that day. No."

Natsuki actually looked quite surprised when she looked back at Shizuru. "Nothing? Really? I mean…It's your _birthday_…"

Shizuru shrugged uncharacteristically. "I've had a few offers."

Natsuki nodded in a 'I see….' sort of way.

Shizuru took a deep breath. "But I was waiting to see if something better came up…." she watched in hope for some realization to spark in the girl, but none came. In fact she looked more uneasy.

"Oh….well if you ya know….have some time or….something falls through….or something…I dunno…." Natsuki mumbled thoughtlessly.

"Natsuki…." oblivious to everything as usual. Shizuru sighed.

The younger girl looked up.

"I was waiting for you to ask me" Shizuru smiled and almost, _almost_ looked away embarrassed. Instead she faced it head on. She knew she was blushing, but she didn't much care at this point.

"Oh…." Natsuki's eyes widened. "_OH_…."

_There you go._

Natsuki shifted uncomfortably.

Shizuru shifted uncomfortably.

"I'll leave you to get changed." Shizuru started for the door.

She was surprised when she felt a hand grasp her arm, she turned to look at Natuski and watched the conflicting emotions run riot across the girls face.

"Natsuki it's okay you don't have to say anything…." Shizuru tried with a calm voice.

"Will you go out with me? On your birthday! I mean….do you wanna….do something?"

_Many things…._

Shizuru mentally scolded herself. "I'd love to Natsuki."

Natsuki actually beamed and let go of the older girls arm, she turned her back and pulled a small punch victory, which didn't go unnoticed by Shizuru.

Natsuki reached for her shoulder again and scratched it in annoyance.

"Does Natsuki need help with chang…."

"FINE…..THANK…YOU" Natsuki stated loud and clearly. She motioned with her thumb towards the door. "OUT"

Shizuru pouted, knowing Natsuki was watching her out of the corner of her eye. She couldn't help it. It was in her blood. She just _loved_ to tease this girl.

"If you need my help…." Shizuru practically sang as she closed the door behind her.

Natsuki sighed and unzipped her leathers, she couldn't help, or _understand _why she was grinning at that moment in time, but she kind of liked it. She pulled the top of her suit to her waist and was beginning to wiggle out of it when….

"Oh! Do you want me to…." the door behind her opened suddenly, spilling the light from the living room across the bedroom floor. Natsuki froze.

Shizuru gasped.

_Damn it all to hell she's doing this on purpose._

Natsuki spun around fully intending to give hell to the older girl, but stopped when she saw the genuine shock and embarrassment on Shizuru's face. She wasn't even looking at Natsuki, at least she didn't think she was looking at her.

_Oh my…..what am I doing. Look away. Look away. Wait! What! Why!_

"Shizuru?" Natsuki waved her hand.

"Sorry…." Shizuru turned stiffly and walked out of the room, not even closing the door behind her.

Natsuki frowned. Pretty sure she wasn't just messing around, she pulled off the rest of her leathers and walked into the ensuite bathroom. After drying herself and her hair as much as she could, she pulled on Shizuru's nightgown, inhaling the familiar aroma.

Natsuki walked out of the bedroom and stopped to watch Shizuru, who was staring at the tv.

"What are we watching?" Natsuki crossed the living room and flopped down beside the older girl on the sofa, who was being particularly unresponsive for a change.

Shizuru stared vacantly at the screen in front of her.

"Natsuki to Shizuru…..?" Natsuki waved her hand in front of Shizuru's face for the second time that night.

Shizuru shut her eyes calmly and opened them again.

"Nothing." she stood up in one graceful fluid motion, "Kannin na, Natsuki….I think I'm just a little tired."

Natsuki frowned. "Oh….are you okay? You seemed fine a minute ago…."

_Good god woman! Do you know what you do to me! You're a worse tease than I am!_

"I'm fine Natsuki. I know it's still early but…."

"It's okay, honestly" Natsuki stood and offered her a sheepish grin. Probably not knowing what else to do in the situation.

"Natsuki, you don't have to force yourself to sleep, you can stay up if you like, I can get you some covers for the sofa.

Natsuki flinched. Almost as if she was offended. "N..no, I'm tired. I said that already didn't I?"

Shizuru frowned. "No…actually…."

Natsuki blushed a red that could rival Shizuru's dark orbs.

"….! Whatever!" Natsuki stormed past Shizuru towards the girls bedroom. Pausing at the door, clearly peeved. "Coming?" Nstsuki asked expectantly.

_You'd better not say what I think you're about to say Fujino…_

Shizuru nodded and followed Natsuki into the bedroom. Closing the bedroom door behind her she sighed quietly and turned around to face the younger girl.

Natsuki was cutely patting, well…. beating the crap out of the pillows, probably trying to fluff them up for them, but failing miserably. Shizuru didn't have the heart to tell her she was making them worse.

Besides. Natsuki. Leaning over her bed. In a nightgown…Not. A. Bad. Sight.

She followed those tantalisingly long legs up to where the material just barely covered her thighs.

_Nice choice Fujino. You couldn't have picked a shorter shirt could you?_

Shizuru felt the slow onslaught of dread creeping through her like a poison.

_I can't trust myself. _

"I think I made them worse…." Natsuki's frowned cutely.

"That tends to happen when you assault them…" Shizuru giggled.

Natsuki grinned sheepishly before frowning and pinching her nightgown again.

"Are you sure you're alright? Do you want me to get you another top you keep scratching yourself…." Shizuru crossed the room and gave Natsuki that over-concerned look that made the younger girl practically melt.

"I'm….fine." Natsuki mumbled looking away from the older girl.

"Natsuki….?" Shizuru asked seriously.

Natsuki squeezed her eyes shut again. "Okay…." she sighed and opened them, meeting Shizuru's with determination. "If you laugh you're dead! Hear me?"

Shizuru simply nodded. Curiosity winning her over.

Natsuki blushed and reached for the bottom of her shirt, pulling it over her head. Placing her hand on her hip, just for something to do with her hands, Natsuki looked up at rhe older girl. "So?"

Shizuru blinked.

"Shizuru?" Natsuki raised her eyebrows expectantly. "What do you think?"

_Oh sweet mother of all that is good and pure!_

"Shizuru!" Natsuki called out more forcefully, fidgeting under the older girl's intense gaze.

_Fujino! Her face is about thirty centimetres higher. Look up!_

"Natsuki, I don't know what I'm looking for, what's wrong?" Shizuru cleared her throat.

Natsuki blushed and pointed to her bra.

Shizuru's felt her eyes widen, she just hoped the younger girl hadn't noticed since she was probably feeling rather vulnerable right now.

_Well for starters it's too small. Or are her breasts too big? Ara, isn't that the bra I recommended for her the last time she visited the lingerie store? It fit her then…_

Natsuki was looking more uncomfortable by the second and was leaning to reach for her top when Shizuru finally spoke.

"Well….do you wear it often?"

"Shizuru!" Natsuki warned.

"It's a perfectly logical question. I'm merely trying to solve the issue here." Shizuru defended.

_And I also want to know if you wear the bra I picked for you regularly…._

"Not really, a few times I guess."

"Does it feel tight? Loose?" Shizuru tried to switch into lingerie store assistant mode but couldn't quite drag her eyes off the girl.

Natsuki blushed more furiously.

"Tight" Natsuki watched Shizuru's eyebrow twitch, "God this is embarrassing…"

"You make it sound like I'm oggling you, I've seen you in your underwear thousands of times Natsuki" She'd helped Natsuki pick out bra's hundreds of times. It was the girls hobby after all, not to mention Shizuru had worked for that store for over a year and had saw Natsuki practically every week there. "Why wear pretty things if nobody sees them?" Shizuru teased.

Natsuki mumbled something and looked away.

"Is it only this bra?"

Natsuki sighed and slumped down onto the bed behind her.

"No, a… a few of them."

_Aha! Go on, you know you want to Shizuru…Damn voices in my head…._

"Well there's only one way to figure this out" Shizuru stated professionally. Or tried to.

"I'm not taking my bra off so don't even think about asking" Natsuki snapped.

"Spoil sport." Shizuru pouted.

Natsuki shot her a glare.

"Come here."

Natsuki stood almost instantly which surprised Shizuru. She knew sometimes she over stepped her boundaries but she also knew that Natsuki trusted her wholeheartedly. However in this particular situation she wasn't expecting the girl to practically jump into her arms.

Natsuki stopped in front of Shizuru, but still continued to look everywhere but _at_ Shizuru.

"Turn around" Shizuru stated breathlessly, Natsuki mere inches from her.

Natsuki obeyed. Shizuru was the professional after all right?

Shizuru looked over the back straps, they didn't look as if they were too tight or digging into the girls skin. She run her fingers under the back strap, trying not to 'accidentally' unclasp Natsuki's bra.

"Where is it tight? It feels fine along the back and shoulders." Shizuru's fingers lingered for a second longer.

_What? You might never get to do this again!_

_Step away from the 'goods' Shizuru!_

Natsuki turned and looked directly at Shizuru, pointing downwards at her breasts which her blush was, quite impressively making it's way towards quite quickly.

Shizuru raised her eyebrow at Natsuki.

_I believe that is permission. _

_To LOOK woman! Look!_

"It's….really starting to get annoying, this is actually one of the better ones. The rest _really_ irritate. I meant to go to the store today, but then I got caught in the rain and I didn't really want to walk around town in it, so I just jumped on my bike and came straight here and….."

_Oh she's so adorable when she rambles. Surely she can't be as uncomfortable as I am right now. Have you any idea the amount willpower it's taking to not just reach out and grab you Natsuki? I could very easily just…._

"…but I didn't want to take it off, it's really uncomfortable against leather. Sorry I didn't say anything earlier. I know I'm just being silly…." Natsuki trailed off.

"I see. Well…." she reached out her hand and stopped, looking up at Natsuki for permission. The younger girl nodded and looked away.

_Dark purple lace and black satin cups, a little black lace trim at the top…. Now I remember why I recommended this bra!_

Shizuru run her fingers along the top of the cup earning a quiet squeak from the girl. It probably wouldn't have seemed quite so sensual if the bra had actually fit. The cup however was too small and digging into her skin.

_That smooth, flawless, milky white skin…._

Natsuki looked back at Shizuru when the older girl pulled her hand away.

"Your cup size is too small."

_Ara, she's as red as a tomato…._

"Are you calling me fat!" Natsuki shot sarcastically, causing Shizuru to giggle.

"That's….." Shizuru grinned and looked Natsuki up and down purposefully slowly, "certainly not the words that come to mind…."

_Too far?_

"Oh….okay um…." Natsuki looked around her, "I'm gonna…." she pointed to the bathroom and walked off quickly.

"Natsuki?"

The girl stopped in her tracks.

"You can borrow one of mine if you want. Even if it doesn't fit properly it would probably be more comfortable than the one you're wearing.

"Umm…." Natsuki turned around and faced Shizuru, "Is that okay?"

_Yes. Yes it is. It will never be washed afterwards…..possibly framed on the wall…._

"Of course." Shizuru smiled one of her many genuine smiles. Natsuki seemed to coax them out with ease. "Would you like to choose?"

Shizuru pulled open her top drawer and watched Natsuki's eyes widen.

"WOW! You have as many as me! Maybe more! I can't believe I put up with your teasing for this long!" Natsuki shook her head in disbelief.

"Um…." Shizuru smiled shyly and pulled open the second drawer.

"There's _more_? You're a hypocrite Fujino! Don't even think about bringing up my collection again after this…." Natsuki folder her arms across her chest.

"A hypocrite? I worked in a lingerie store for over two years, surely you didn't think I was doing it for the money?" Shizuru winked and pulled out a lighter purple one than the one Natsuki was wearing. "How's this?"

"It's still got it's tag Shizuru, I'm not wearing it before you have! Any other one is fine."

_Too cute._

Shizuru pushed the bra into the girls hands, turned her around and give her a light shove towards the bathroom door.

"Well?" Shizuru asked, she was now sitting in bed, tucked in and waiting on Natsuki.

"Much better, thanks" Natsuki looked around self-consciously. The bra was a little big for her but she wasn't going to point that out to Shizuru and embarrass herself any further.

Shizuru patted the space in the bed next to her.

Natsuki made her way over and climbed in beside her. She didn't stay over often, usually only when she had had a drink and couldn't drive home. It was Shizuru's birthday tomorrow though and Natsuki wanted to spend the entire day with her, especially as she wasn't able to find a suitable present in time. She lay back and sighed, feeling her muscles relax. She'd been feeling tense but she was getting used to that these days. It only ever happened when she was with Shizuru, she'd been trying to figure it out, but the only thing she could come up with was that maybe she was just on her guard. Shizuru sometimes had wandering hands. Even that answer didn't satisfy Natsuki though, if she admitted it (which she never would) she didn't find those experiences entirely unpleasant. In fact she quite enjoyed them, it was harmless flirting anyway and she knew that Shizuru would never change, thus she was determined to try and change herself a little. Relax more, speak more honestly, mostly though, to stop going so frickin' red every time she was teased. '_Tease back'_ She'd told herself. Unfortunately, she'd found out later that teasing Shizuru was easier said than done. If anything it egged the older girl on, and Shizuru _always_ won in the end.

"Goodnight Natsuki" Shizuru smiled at her and closed her eyes.

Natsuki glanced at the clock. 11.58. It's almost Shizuru's birthday. She watched the older girl's chest rise and fall, listened to her steadying breathing. _This is when she is the most beautiful. When she's at her most vulnerable. So peaceful, so honest….and only I get to see her like this._

Natsuki wrapped her arms around Shizuru's waist carefully and pulled herself closer.

"Happy birthday Shizuru…." she whispered softly against her ear and leaned in nervously to kiss the girl on the cheek…..

"Natsuki?"

"_Whoa_! I thought you were asleep!" Natsuki pulled away instantly.

"You know my birthdays the day after tomorrow right?" Shizuru deadpanned.

…

"…_What!_?"

"Ara, was Natsuki going to give me a birthday kiss?" Shizuru reached out for the younger girl who flushed crimson.

"B..Baka!"

_This woman was unsurpassable, why did I even think I could tease back?_

"Go to sleep!" Natsuki snapped, turning her back on the older girl. She sighed once again and tried to relax, until, she felt arms snake around her waist.

"Thankyou…" Shizuru squeezed slightly.

"Sweet dreams…" Natsuki whispered and felt Shizuru smile against her back, wriggling closer into her for her warmth.

_Not entirely unpleasant at all…_

**And if the nightmare comes along**  
><strong>To say its fond goodbyes<strong>  
><strong>The thought of you will stop if before those dreams arise<strong>

**Because with you sharing my bed at night**  
><strong>My dream will always come out right<strong>  
><strong>And tomorrow will always be another day.<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Natsuki's Dream<strong>

"_It's not right to do that"_

_Natsuki pulled her hand away from the vase of flowers, afraid to turn around at the sound of the voice behind her._

"_Leave the beautiful flowers for everyone to enjoy, they're doing their best to bloom in the short time that they have"_

_Shizuru smiled at her when Natsuki turned to face her._

"_My name's Shizuru. Fujino Shizuru. And you are?"_

"_Natsuki"_

"_Natsuki…?"_

"_Kuga."_

"_Pleased to meet you Kuga Natsuki."_

Natsuki looked around, she and Shizuru were standing in Shizuru's living room. She frowned.

"What's going on?" she looked to the man standing beside her.

"Dreams never make sense do they?" he grinned at her.

"This is…..the first time we met? Only…."

"The setting is different? The brain is a curious thing is it not?"

Natuski nodded absentmindedly and watched herself sit down on the sofa as Shizuru made her way over to the kitchen.

_**Beep**_

_**Beep**_

"_You should probably wake up soon. Oversleeping isn't good for you." Shizuru called out from the kitchen._

"_I'm trying." Natsuki muttered from her seat._

_**Beep **_

_**Beep**_

Natsuki looked up at the ceiling and all around her. The man beside her smiled at her look of confusion.

"You are not in a deep sleep"

"That beeping?"

The man nodded. "Some people believe that it's beneficial to read or play music to unborn children. Scientists believe this can be heard from inside the womb. The same can be said for comatose patients, doctor's encourage those around them to….talk to them….read to them…."

"So I can hear what's going on around me…." Natsuki spoke aloud to no one in particular, "That beeping…." she felt her eyes begin to water.

_I'm on ….life support….?_

"_Natsuki?"_

Natsuki looked towards the kitchen at the sound of Shizuru's voice. The girl was happily humming away as she whisked the tea.

"_Natsuki? ….can you hear me?"_

Suddenly realizing that the Shizuru in front of her wasn't speaking, Natsuki looked all around her and again at the ceiling. "Shizuru?"

"_I'm waiting for you….I'm right here."_

"Shizuru!" Natsuki shouted out, her eyes darting around the room.

"Natsuki, she cannot hear you." the man said, watching Natsuki walk back and forth, her hands feeling down the walls.

"When you said she was by my side….."

The man watched the silent tears streaming down the girls cheeks.

"How long have I been sleeping? How long has she been sitting beside me? WAITING on me waking up!" Natsuki screamed at him.

"Natsuki…." the man reached out his hand for her to take.

"No….." she squeaked, her voice breaking, "I'm tired of this, I just want to go back! I'm tired of all these games."

_**Beep**_

_**Beep**_

"We aren't playing a game Natsuki."

"Well it feels like it! It feels like you're messing with my head!"

"Natsuki, I'm showing you these things in an attempt to help you decide. You need to choose _which_ path you want to take." the man stated calmly.

"And if I don't?"

Natuski felt the mans hand in hers and suddenly felt light-headed, when she opened her eyes she found herself surrounded in white light once again.

"I understand that it's difficult to choose Natsuki, but, believe me when I tell you this, you are running out of time."

"What do you…. mean?" before Natsuki could even finish her sentence she looked around her at the light, it began flickering. It hadn't been her imagination before. Her eyes hadn't _adjusted_ to the brightness that was surrounding her…..

"The light….it's getting fainter…."

The man nodded and looked around them at the dimming light.

"What happens if I don't decide in time?" Natsuki asked warily.

"You will be neither here nor there." he held out his hands symbolically.

"_You?_"Natsuki asked incredulously.

The man nodded.

"What…..happened to you?"

"Car accident" he stated matter-of-factly. Natsuki watched those dark eyes glaze over as he continued. "My wife….and son….." The man took a deep breath and sighed audibly. "It was raining heavily….I lost control of the car. I…. killed her"

Natsuki's eyes widened.

"My son….he survived." the man looked up and met her eyes. He smiled sadly. "I'm trying to help you Natsuki. You and I….we're not so different. I was once in the position you are currently, only I…..didn't….._couldn't_ choose."

Natsuki closed her eyes, releasing the tears that had collected.

"I understand Natsuki. How do you choose one person over the other? I understand how difficult it is, how impossible…..but you have no idea how much I regret not being able to do so."

Natsuki simply nodded, she couldn't think of the words to respond.

"It's a cruel fate. I couldn't decide who I'd rather be beside. I wanted to be with my wife, but I couldn't stand the thought of leaving my son behind, his life was only just beginning…." he shook his head, "I ran out of time."

Seeing no forthcoming reply from the girl he continued.

"Natsuki, you don't want to be stuck, not here, in nothingness…."

Natsuki nodded.

"We don't have much time, so tell me…." Natsuki met his eyes, "One last time. What is it that that you wish to see?"

Natsuki nodded, having already decided. "Show me what my future could be."

The man nodded and smiled.

"As you wish…"

* * *

><p><strong>Shizuru's POV<strong>

_**Has anyone ever thought like this? The way I think when I think about you? I see you so clearly your eyes, your mouth, your nose, everything about you is so clear. I still feel your arm wrapped tight around me. our hands clasped, your thumb rubbing circles on mine. I feel you calloused hands on my back and I hope you feel mine. I want to see you will I ever be able to?Has anyone ever been in such agony over someone? Is this pain even bearable? I hear your voice saying my name and making it sound beautiful. I hear our conversations over and over in my head. Do you hear them to? I want to hear your voice. Will I ever get the chance to? Has anyone ever felt the way I felt when we first touched? It was ever so brief yet something happened, then you couldn't keep your hands off me. You touch my head, hair waist, arm, and hands. I still feel every one of them and when I remember them I wonder if you remember them to? I want to touch you again will I ever get to?**_

"Natsuki? ...Can you hear me…?"

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN:**_

Yeah, that was difficult to try and sort out, it made sense in my head but was extremely difficult to write down in any sort of logical way! If you have any questions feel free to pm me and I'll be happy to clarify it if I've lost you haha. Hopefully the next update won't be too far away, this chapter actually ended up longer than I had intended, so not long to go. Thanks as always, hope you guys enjoyed. The poem above is 'Remembrance' by Tammy bass, depressing yet, I love it…

* * *

><p><strong>Omake<strong>

Natsuki: "Then what am I dreaming?"

The man smiled. Almost as if he was impressed.

Guide: "That Natsuki. _That_ I can show to you as well."

**Shizuru's Dream**

_**MATERIALIZE!**_

Natsuki: "What…the…hell?"

Guide: "Ooops wrong dream, two seconds…."

Natsuki: "What the…! What am I _wearing_? Besides very little!"

Guide: "Personally I think the leather pants are a great touch to the outfit!"

Natsuki: ***Death Glare***

**Shizuru: "The principal must be tired after all of that fighting yes?"**

**Natsuki: "I guess…."**

**Shizuru: "Bath time!"**

**Natsuki: "What! No wait! Stop it!"**

**Shizuru: "Natsuki wants to bathe in clothes?"**

**Natsuki: "What? No! I can do that myself! Cut it out!"**

**Shizuru: "Tra la la…."**

***Unzips Natsuki's corset***

Guide: "Ooooookay! time to go!"

Natsuki: *Staring open-mouthed*


	4. Out of Time

Hey guys, this is literally hot off the press so I hope I've cleared up all the mistakes as I've been writing, re-writing and then cutting bits here and there and replacing them for a few days… let's hope I haven't left a random paragraph in there that no longer coincides he he! ^^;

This chapter is a little more serious than the rest, I believe we are in the deep now. Do enjoy and let me know what you think!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

* * *

><p><strong>The Present<strong>

"Shizuru…" Mai spoke cautiously, "It's time…"

Shizuru looked up from her love, to the people gathered around her bed. Mai, Mikoto, Yukino, Haruka, Midori, even Nao. She nodded at them and turned back to her sleeping beauty.

"See you on the other side my love." she whispered in Natsuki's ear, lingering purposefully before placing a soft kiss on her cheek, as her hand rose to the machine beside her.

Mikoto tightened her grip on Mai as she buried her face into the girls side. Yukino grasped Haruka's hand, Nao turned away, covering her face with her hands as Midori wrapped her arm around her. The only sound that could be heard were soft sniffles as the machine began beeping slower.

"Shizuru?" Mai asked, watching the girl rise from her wheelchair by Natsuki's bed.

Shizuru let the tears flow, beyond caring what anyone thought, she wished she could be stronger for Natsuki and only hoped she would forgive her for leaving.

"I'm sorry…." Shizuru paused at the door, "I can't be here when…"

Midori and Mai both nodded in understanding, even though the girl couldn't see them. They watched as Shizuru exited the room, closing the door behind her.

"Should I….?" Haruka started….

"Leave her be, it's understandable…." Mai replied between sobs.

Haruka nodded and turned with Yukino towards the door. Midori followed.

"Nao….it's okay you don't have to be here…" Mai offered.

"I want to!" Nao snapped, wiping the tears from her eyes. It seemed unfair that she had just been getting to know the girl, and now all of a sudden she was…

Mikoto covered her face and ran out after Midori when the screen flat-lined. Nao collapsed on the floor crying.

"I'm sorry" the doctor behind the screen bowed his head and switched off the machine, leaving the two girls to mourn in private. Mai stared on in disbelief.

"Mai!…." Nao cried as the red head pulled her into her embrace.

"I know." Mai held the shaking girl in her arms, unable to find any other words. She had to be strong for everyone, especially Nao. Natsuki had lived with Mai for almost four months when her apartment was undergoing refurbishment. Surprisingly, Mikoto had taken an instant liking to her, probably since the girl no longer scowled at everyone who tried to speak with her. Nao was the exception of course, she'd always call over at Mai's complaining she was bored. Everyone knew of course that it was just to hang out with Natsuki. To anyone else, it looked as if the two girls hated each others guts. Always bickering, slapping one another over the back of the head, sticking out their foot to trip the other up and then laughing their ass off. The truth of it though, was that the two girls had actually gotten very close to one another. They had more in common than they had originally thought and as it just so happened, the same sense of humour, if that's what you would call it.

Mai gripped the red-head in her arms tighter.

* * *

><p><strong>The night before the accident<strong>

The last time Nao had come over to Mai's was the night before the accident. Natsuki had been sitting up in her bed playing on her Nintendo DS, Mikoto was following Mai around the kitchen like a drooling puppy, complaining of hunger. Your standard typical day really.

"Well it's great to see some things never change…" Nao looked between Mai cooking and Natsuki playing, receiving a grunt from both and no acknowledgement from a transfixed Mikoto staring into the pot in front of Mai.

Natsuki tutted and threw her console onto the nightstand beside her, looking up at the red head. "Hey Nao…"

"Hey yourself! So…" she skipped over to Mai's bed and jumped onto the end, bouncing up to face the dark haired girl on her own bed beside her. "How'd it go?"

"How'd what go? Class? Boring as usual." Natsuki grumbled.

"At least you went!" came a sarcastic comment from the kitchen.

"I meant your night at Fujino's" Nao clarified.

Natsuki shot her a wide-eyed look of betrayal before hearing something crash to the floor.

"Mai!" Mikoto shot to the floor and grabbed the ladle Mai had dropped.

Natsuki met Mai's eyes with an apologetic look on her face.

"You told me you were staying at Nao's!" Mai shot accusingly.

"Did she?" Nao looked between the two with a sly grin on her face. "And why would she do that?"

"Nao!" Natsuki warned.

"Ah! Mikoto! No that's dirty!" Mai reached out to grab hold of the young girl's arm as she went to put the ladle back into the pot.

Nao slapped a hand to her forehead. "Seriously…?"

Natsuki just shook her head and smiled at the young girl in the kitchen. _So much like a child…_

"Hey Mikoto, I'm so sorry, I forgot to pick up some sugar at the store, vanilla pods too. It looks like we'll have to skip dessert tonight…"

"But Mai!" Mikoto looked up at the older girl with pleading eyes. "Dessert!"

"Ah! I know!" Mai walked over to her bag on the table and pulled out her purse, "Mikoto would you run to the store for me? If you get the ingredients, I can make dessert for you."

Mikoto's eyes went wide and she jumped on the purple-eyed girl, squeezing her in a bear hug. "Mai!"

Natsuki sniggered as Nao rolled her eyes.

"Be nice." Natsuki whispered to the red-head.

"I am, I'm keeping quiet" Nao mumbled.

"I'm going to the store!" Mikoto cried out, the door slamming shut behind her.

Mai immediately turned back and shot a questioning look at the two girls. "What! How could you lie to me!"

Nao burst into laughter, "You sent her off for that! Honestly you treat that girl like a child!"

Mai ignored the red-head and continued to stare at Natsuki. She'd only sent Mikoto away because the young girl would ask to many questions and embarrass Natsuki. It always happened when they tried to have a serious conversation and in the end, they usually dropped it because Natsuki became uncomfortable having to explain herself.

"You stayed at Kaichou's house?"

"Shizuru's, yes. Her apartment." Natsuki clarified.

The anger swiftly left the purple eyed girls face, replaced with one of curiosity. "And? And? What happened?"

"We don't need the gory details…" Nao said sarcastically.

Natsuki shot her a look of contempt and shrugged at both of them. "Nothing _happened_. I got caught in the rain, so it took me ages to get there and when I did, not only was I soaked but it was really late."

Nao raised an eyebrow. "Late you say?"

"Yes." Natsuki stated, "Late. I got dried and changed and we talked for a while then we went to bed. See? Nothing interesting so just drop it."

"Oh I'd say that's interesting all right…"

"You caught that too?" Mai asked the red-head, both grinning triumphantly at one another.

"Caught what?" Natsuki asked looking between them.

"Ahem…" Nao cleared her throat theatrically, "_We_ went to bed. _We_. I'm assuming the _we_ went to the _same_ bed. Interesting indeed. Wouldn't you agree Mai?"

"I agree Nao. _Interesting_." Mai nooded eagerly.

Natsuki sighed. "Seriously…" she rubbed her eyes in annoyance and shook her head, "What ever happened to privacy."

"You've had a lifetime of it, not anymore, now spill." Nao stated, shifting up on Mai's bed to make room for her.

"What's wrong with sharing the same bed? Mai and Mikoto share the same bed and I don't see her getting interrogated!" Natsuki began to get flustered, switching automatically into defensive mode.

"Why are you being so defensive?" Nao asked.

"Because she already knows the answer to that question and knows she's not a leg to stand on. I'm not being interrogated because I'm not sleeping beside a person who has those types of feelings for me."

"What! No we're just friends. I don't think Shizuru even has those types of feelings for me anymore anyway."

"Oh? And what makes you so sure?" Nao asked sceptically.

"For one thing she doesn't tease me as much anymore and…" Natsuki shifted beginning to feel uncomfortable in front of the two girls, "She doesn't…"

"Natsuki…" Mai spoke softly, encouragingly.

Natsuki sucked in a deep breath as if in preparation. "She doesn't…touch me…as much anymore."

Nao and Mai gave each other a knowing and slightly sympathetic look. Not because of Natsuki but because of Shizuru.

"You seem to say that as if it's a bad thing." Nao said, the sarcasm and teasing now replaced with a more serious tone of voice.

"I…guess. It means she's more comfortable around me now right. As a friend I mean?"

"If that's what it did mean, would you be okay with that? _Are_ you okay with that? Just being friends?"

"What! Yes! Of course!" Natsuki almost shouted.

"Natsuki…" Nao shook her head laughing. "How blind can a person be?"

"I'm not blind!" Natsuki declared, irritated that Nao of all people would speak to her in such a condescending way.

"Natsuki…" Mai offered, once again she spoke softly and with feeling, trying to get the girl to stay calm and open up. "Don't get angry, we're just trying to help you sort this out."

"I'm not angry! And there is nothing to sort out! Like I said we're just friends and yes I am _okay_ with that!"

"Really?" Nao asked sarcastically. "So you two just went to bed and…what? Went to sleep?"

"YES!" Natsuki stared at the red head incredulously. "We _slept_"

"Hmm. Say, didn't you think that _today_ was Fujino's birthday?"

"Yeah, so?"

"So no 'Happy Birthday' hugs? No cuddles? Not even a…birthday kiss?"

"Wha…" Natsuki's face suddenly matched Nao's hair colour and both the girls stared at her with open mouths.

"Oh my god you did!" Mai almost shouted with enthusiasm. "You kissed her!"

Nao grinned at Natsuki. "My my…hey ya know, my birthdays in a few weeks do you think I could get a…"

"NO!" Natsuki snapped at her, she began to lift herself off the bed and away from the two of them when Mai reached out and grabbed her arm.

"Natsuki, we're sorry. Please. Sit down. Talk to us." Natsuki hesitated before lying back down against her headboard, arms folded across her chest.

"Sorry Natsuki, I was just trying to make a point that's all…" Nao spoke softly.

Mai looked at Nao and nodded for the girl to continue when Natsuki offered no reply.

"All I'm trying to point out is that…ya know…you two aren't exactly like normal friends."

"Like I said" Natsuki shut her eyes in annoyance, "Mai and Mikoto sleep together in the same bed, as do many other girls. Heck Nao I've slept in the same bed as you loads of times. You're both just blowing this whole thing out of proportion. We're friends. Friends can sleep in the same bed. That's all there is to it."

"I see. So how about when it's my birthday you come over for a visit, we'll have a few drinks, watch some trashy tv. Ya know the usual crap."

Natsuki looked at Nao in confusion at the apparent sudden change in topic. Nao smiled seeing she had the girl baited.

"Then when it gets late we can get changed for bed, I'd of course be surprised when you reach over towards me to whisper Happy Birthday to me before kissing me and then we can cuddle up and drift off together…"

"What! What the hell are you talking about! That never happened!" Natsuki interrupted.

"It was just a hazarded guess Natsuki, although judging from your reaction I guess I wasn't far off the mark!" Nao grinned and winked at Mai who was holding back her laughter.

"Besides. I was talking about us. Not you and Shizuru."

Natsuki's nostrils flared as she matched Nao's defiant glare for glare. "I know that" she stated curtly.

"Really though. You almost seem more shocked because you thought it was in reference to Shizuru and yourself. Tell me. Do you like the idea of cuddling up to me Natsuki? It would be a wonderful birthday gift after all…"

"Eww gross!" Natsuki scrunched her face into a look of distaste.

"I know right?" Nao burst into laughter followed by Mai.

Natsuki looked between the two of them confused before Mai picked up on the girl's usual obliviousness and clarified it for her.

"What she's trying to say Natsuki is that it's strange that you don't seem to mind the idea of cuddling up to Shizuru and kissing her…."

"I didn't kiss her!" Natsuki interrupted again.

"Yet!" Mai shot back, "Yet when Nao suggests the same actions between the two of you, you clearly aren't for the idea."

"I'm offended." Nao feigned hurt.

"As another example how about placing yourself in that situation with say…me or Mikoto. It would still seem weird right?"

"So very wrong" Natsuki mumbled.

"Exactly! So there you have it!"

Mai and Nao smiled at each other and slapped a high five.

Natsuki frowned. "I don't get it. What's the problem?"

"Problem? There is no problem Natsuki. Except your thick skull!" Nao snorted.

Natsuki offered no retort and began to think over what the two of them had told her.

Mai shared a knowing look with Nao and nodded, climbing off the bed to go and boil the kettle for drinks.

"Thick skull….?" Natsuki mumbled to herself.

"Hey Natsuki…?"

"Hmm?" Natsuki looked up felt something seize her chest in a panic. Mai stood staring at something in her hands in front of the laundry basket.

Mai scanned the label and frowned, looking up once more at Natsuki, holding the item up for her to see. "Whose bra is this?"

Natsuki's face flushed and she began to stutter a response when Nao practically jumped up from her relaxed position against the headboard.

"NO!" She looked from the item in Mai's hand to Natuski's beetroot face. "You fucking liar!" She jumped up and down on the bed squealing with delight. "Oh my god I didn't think you had it in you!"

Mai looked from Natsuki to Nao and back to the bra in her hand. Her eyes settled on the label once more and at the size printed there. Sudden realization hit her.

"Natsuki Kuga!"

Natsuki hid her overheating face in her hands.

"Is this…?" Mai started.

"Shizuru's bra!" Nao squealed in laughter.

"I can explain that!" Natsuki cried out, her voice muffled by her hands.

"I thought I told you to leave out the gory details?"

Natsuki jumped up and punched Nao on the shoulder.

"Ow shit that hurt!"

"Good!"

"Why is this in our laundry basket?" Mai asked, crossing the room to hand the bra to Natsuki. The dark haired girl practically snatched it out of her hands and threw it under her pillow.

"It's not what you think! I got wet and…"

Nao exploded into laughter and fell back onto the bed laughing.

"Nao!" she scolded, "I got wet and had nothing to change into, that and…" she sighed realizing that she was going to just have to suffer the embarrassment in front of them again. "My bra's don't fit anymore…"

"Nao!"

"Mai!"

Mai ran over to her bed and jumped onto it beside Nao, clutching on to her. "Nao! Our little girl is growing up!" Nao sniffed and pretended to wipe a tear from her eye.

"Why do I bother…" Natsuki mumbled.

"That or she's overindulging on the mayo…"

"Shut it!" Natsuki snapped.

"Okay okay you two…SO." she looked at Nao. "What do we have so far?"

"She went to Shizuru's" Mai began nodding along to Nao's points, "But having been caught in the rain she had to get a change of clothes."

"Guys…" Natsuki pleaded.

"Her bra was too small" Mai added.

"So Shizuru gives her one of _her_ bra's…oh! Please do feel free to add anything if we miss it Natsuki"

Natsuki flipped her off and got up to finish making the tea.

"They go to bed."

"Actually she let me borrow one of her nightgowns…" Natsuki called from the kitchen, beyond caring that the two girls were trying to mortify her. May as well play along and not let them get to her. Let them have their fun at her expense.

"Oh!" Mai jumped up and down and laughed with Nao, "So they go to bed…" Mai pushed Nao back onto the bed and lay down beside her.

"Wait are you Natsuki or am I Natsuki?" Nao asked turning her head to look at Mai beside her.

"You can be Natsuki, you have the same temperament it only seems right. Besides I seem to be fitting for Kaichou don't you think?"

Natsuki snorted from the kitchen which didn't go un-noticed by the two girls.

"Ara, Natsuki! You're all red!" Mai squeaked.

Natsuki spun round in the kitchen at the sound of Mai's ridiculous impression of Shizuru.

"Oh my god what the hell was that?"

"B..Baka!" Nao stuttered to Mai in a deep voice.

"HEY!" Natsuki yelled.

"Shi..Shizuru? Happy Birthday…"

"Ara, Natsuki is too sweet!" Mai squeaked again in her moronic voice impression, "Do I get a birthday kiss?"

On her way to beat the crap out of the mocking girls, Natsuki suddenly halted. That same confused almost angry look came over her face and both Nao and Mai, thinking they'd pushed her too far sat up on the bed.

"Natsuki it was just a joke."

Natsuki shook her head and made her way over to her bed, sitting on the edge of it. "I just don't get it…"

"Get what Natsuki?"

"Shizuru…she was acting really strange last night." Natsuki spoke aloud.

Both girls nodded at one another, realizing how uncharacteristic of Natsuki it was to speak her thoughts aloud. They had no choice, they'd have to goad her.

"Strange how Natsuki?" Mai asked in her usual soft way when she was trying to get something out of her.

"She walked in on me changing."

"And she didn't try and grope you?" Nao laughed then shut up when Mai shot her a warning look to be quiet.

"No. She didn't."

"Very unlike Shizuru. Usually she likes to tease you." Mai offered.

"I know that's what I've been saying. She hasn't been teasing me as much as she usually does. She just looked so…uncomfortable. I made _her_ uncomfortable."

"Natsuki…" Nao started.

"She just rushed out of the room, I even tried to start a conversation with her when I sat down beside her but she brushed me off and said she was tired."

"Natsuki…" This time Mai tried.

"She was going to get me bedding for the _sofa._ I had to practically force her to let me sleep with her." She laughed to herself, "After me trying to justify how normal it was, she didn't seem to want to. She's been like this for a while now."

"Natsuki." Mai stated more firmly, causing the girl to look up at her.

"That's a _good_ thing Natsuki." Mai assured her, her face almost pleading with the girl.

"How is that good? She acts like she doesn't even want me around!"

"Natsuki, you've changed so much in the past few months. Like _a lot_." Mai just nodded as Nao continued. "I mean…I really like you Natsuki."

"Whoa Nao…" Natsuki started jokingly.

"Shut it and listen!" Nao snapped, a slight blush coming to her cheeks, "We've become really good friends Natsuki and I'm glad we met. You're actually not all that bad."

Mai smiled warmly at Natsuki and nodded as if confirming what Nao had just said.

"But you have really changed. Like _really_. You used to annoy the hell out of me! Always so quiet and grumpy. Well we've only had some progress in that area…"

"Hey!"

Nao laughed continuing. "What I'm trying to say is, it's almost like you're a different person these days. If you think about it… I really didn't know you that much before and even I have seen the difference in you."

"I don't see what this has to do with Shizuru…"

"Natsuki, what Nao's saying is that if she, who didn't know you very well to begin with, has seen all the positive changes in you lately, don't you think Shizuru has? She's the one person after all, the _only_ person, who knew anything about you before."

"So…you think Shizuru is weird with me because I've changed?"

Nao nodded. "That's what I think and believe me Natsuki, you've changed for the better. If she was in love with you before imagine how she feels now."

"That and you're also more open with your feelings around everyone. It must be…_really_ painful for her."

"Huh?" Natsuki looked at them both, the worry showing on her face.

"You haven't spoken with her about it have you? Her…confession…" Mai asked.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to say, we just kind of brushed over it."

"God you're such a jackass sometimes." Nao shook her head in disbelief, "Did you just think her feelings were going to go away!"

"No! I…I don't know. How was I supposed to react! Like I said she's been so damn weird lately I can't read her at all! I don't even know if she likes me like that anymore!"

"Of course she does!" Mai snapped, almost as surprised at her outburst as Natsuki. "Are you really that daft? She's been in love with you for god knows how long and all of a sudden you're turning into this more confident, warm and accepting person, she's probably absolutely beside herself!"

"You think she still….feels _that_ way for me?"

"Duh." Nao rolled her eyes, "By the sounds of it, _more_ so than before Natsuki. What can I say except…the girl has it bad…"

"Real bad." Mai said whilst frowning.

The next thing Natsuki asked surprised both girls. "What should I do?"

"In all seriousness Natsuki, can I ask you a serious question?" Nao squinted at her, she was serious alright.

"Y…yes…"

"And you will answer seriously?"

"Yes." Natsuki answered honestly.

"Do you love her?"

Natsuki physically flinched. Her eyes darted back and forth as if desperately seeking an answer.

"Natsuki? You said you _didn't_ kiss her?" Mai asked.

Natsuki shook her head. "I…I thought she was asleep."

"You almost did then?" Nao asked prodding her to continue.

Natsuki nodded her head.

"Why?" Mai asked, watching her friend begin to sink back into her thoughts. Natsuki shrugged.

"You wanted to right?" Nao asked, also worried that Natsuki was withdrawing.

The dark haired girl released a breath that she didn't realize she'd been holding.

"Yes." She finally looked up at them both and attempted to smile.

"That's a good thing then, If you…." Nao was cut off.

"I mean yes." Natsuki nodded, finally realizing what her friends had been trying to get her to see. Her answer was yes. It _had_ been simple after all. In comparison to any other, Shizuru stood out. No she didn't just stand out, she stood _above_ them. The girl was definitely the most important person in Natsuki's life. Else why would Natsuki constantly be drawn to her? Worry about her reactions? Care about what she thought of her? Why…Why couldn't she stop thinking about her when they were apart? Most of all, why would Natsuki worry so, when Shizuru didn't tease her as much? Touch her as much? Why did it bother her so much that Shizuru seemed to becoming more of a _friend_?

"Yes what Natsuki?"

Natsuki smiled. _Actually_ smiled. "I love her" she looked up at the dumfounded expressions on her friends mouths. "And I will tell her that tomorrow. On her birthday"

* * *

><p><strong>Present<strong>

"It's not fair..." Nao cried, shaking her head against the girls shoulder. Mai nodded and hushed her.

"It wouldn't be fair on her to leave her like that Nao, no one deserves to live that way…."

"Mai!" Nao gasped, pulling away from her.

"Nao, I know it's hard to accept but…."

"No MAI!" Mai looked up at her face and frowned, following the red-head's gaze across the room.

"What…?"

* * *

><p><strong>The Possible Future<strong>

Natsuki opened her eyes and found herself in, what looked to be, a room strikingly similar to that of Shizuru's living room. She turned and looked questioningly at her guide. He simply smiled and shrugged, being about as forthcoming as he ever was.

Natsuki walked over to the cabinet curiously and found herself drawn to one of the photo frames. Within, was a picture of her and Shizuru. Natsuki was bending over behind a kneeling Shizuru, her arms draped across her neck. Shizuru had, what could only be described as, the most radiant and fulfilled smile Natsuki had even seen grace her lips. What surprised her the most, was her own lips against the girls temple, her lips forming a smile against her skin as she kissed her. She found herself smiling back at the picture as she looked over the small collection of photos.

_**Click**_

Natsuki turned towards the front door at the sound and watched as Shizuru walked into the entranceway, her keys jangling in the lock.

"Natsuki?"

Natsuki smiled when she heard the melodic Kyoto-ben accent from the blonde. She was beginning to miss being in her presence, she even missed the teasing. A little.

Shizuru frowned and walked over to the kitchen, pausing at the doorway and looking around herself. Her eyes scoured the living room, passing blindly over Natsuki and her guide standing at the cabinet.

"Natsuki?" she called out louder, placing her bags on the coffee table and making her way towards the bedroom door. She opened it and Natsuki watched her smile mischievously as she stepped into the room.

"Dead to the world…." Shizuru sighed, as she made her way over to a passed out Natsuki spread over the bed.

"Why the hell do I seem to be doing nothing but sleep lately?" Natsuki asked aloud. Her guide snorted and shook his head at her attempt at a joke.

"Nat…su…ki?"

Natsuki's eyes widened as she watched Shizuru climb onto the bed on top of a sleeping her. Shizuru's legs were on either side of hers, straddling her, as she stroked her cheek. Natsuki mumbled incoherently below her.

"Wake up" Shizuru whispered, before leaning down and covering Natsuki's lips with her own.

Natsuki turned bright red and looked away. "Seriously?" she asked the man standing beside her.

"What? I have no control over what you wish to see…."

Natsuki frowned, is this what she wished to see? Her and Shizuru were…..

Natsuki moaned against the older girls lips.

"Ara, she's awake!" Shizuru cried victoriously.

"Mmm, sleepy."

Shizuru giggled playfully, "That can be remedied…."

Natsuki spun around suddenly and pushed the man towards the door.

"Okay! Out!" she shouted, shoving him harshly.

The man seemingly unbothered by what was going on behind them, grinned at her.

"Wipe that smile off your face before I do it for you!" Natsuki growled at him.

"Oh?" he smiled at her and followed her gaze out over the living room.

"So, me and Shizuru…..live here, together?" Natsuki asked, tactfully changing the topic to save further embarrassment.

"It would appear that way yes." he replied.

"And we're….." she looked over the photos again, "together?"

Her guide turned his head towards the door. Natsuki felt her face flare up anew at the noises now coming from behind it.

"It would…appear that way also…" he smirked and crossed the living room towards the sofa. "So," he sat down and crossed his legs, "Is there anything else I can show you?"

Natsuki didn't have time to ponder as the ground beneath her began to shake violently. She looked at the man alarmed and felt the panic begin to set in when she saw the same look in his eyes.

"What's happening!"

"Natsuki…" the man stood and closed his eyes, shaking his head. "I'm sorry Natsuki…"

"What? No!" Natsuki cried out.

"We're out of time, Natsuki. It's too late."

"No I've decided! I have! WAIT!"

"I'm sorry" he repeated "I'm sorry I couldn't help you in time". Those were the last words Natsuki heard before she shut her eyes from the blinding light that surrounded her.

* * *

><p><strong>Now<strong>

Natsuki opened her eyes and squinted. The bright white light making it impossible to see anything clearly.

_Where the hell am I?_

She reached up a hand to shield her vision and struggled to sit up.

_What the hell just happened? God my head hurts…_

Finally adjusting to the brightness, Natsuki lowered her hand and glanced around.

"Oh my...god…" came a shocked voice from her left.

Natsuki turned and looked at where the voice had come from.

"Natsuki…?"

Natsuki found herself looking at a very horrified Nao and a wide-mouthed Mai.

"What…" Natsuki coughed and rubbed her throat, "What happened?" she wondered at the hoarse sound of her own voice.

"Mai?" Nao asked shocked.

"Yeah…I know…" Mai replied staring wide eyed at Natsuki, sitting up in her bed looking around her.

"Mai…?" Mai and Nao turned towards the door to find Haruka, Yukino, Midori and Mikoto staring at Natsuki in disbelief. They'd obviously heard Nao shrieking.

"What's everyone doing here?" Natsuki asked, looking from one person to the next.

"Natsuki…." Everyone turned to look at Mai, "You don't…remember _anything_?"

They all turned to look at Natsuki.

"I was…" Natsuki looked around her confused. "Where's Shizuru?"

They all looked at one another.

"Guys? What's going on? Why aren't you saying anything?" Natsuki asked, still squinting under the bright lights in the room.

Silence.

"What happened!" Natsuki cried out in frustration.

"What's all the shouting…about…?" one of the doctors stopped and stood behind everyone at the door, his eyes now focused on a wide awake, slightly annoyed looking Natsuki.

"Natsuki…" Mai walked towards the bed and sat on the edge of it, taking her friends hand in her own. "Natsuki, you were in an accident with Shizuru, don't you remember?"

_Accident? But I was just with…_

_Shizuru!_

"Shizuru!" she grabbed hold of Mai with her free hand.

"She's fine Natsuki, but…" she turned and looked at the others behind her who just nodded dumbly, still unable to fathom what was happening.

"Natsuki, you've been in a coma for over a month now…" Mai answered slowly, afraid of startling the girl.

Natsuki looked from one person to the next. "A…a coma?"

"Ladies," the doctor stepped forward into the room, "Why don't you have a sit down in the canteen for a while, get yourselves a cup of tea or something. I understand that this must be quite a shock for you all…" he attempted to sound calm but Mai saw the same shocked expression on his face as well. No one had expected this. Natsuki had been declared dead for christ sake!

They all nodded automatically and continued watching Natsuki as they were leaving. The doctor walked over to the call button and pressed it. Shortly after a nurse appeared at the door, probably confused as to why her services would be required in _this_ room. There was that look again. Shock.

"Could you call Dr Tadama? I believe this is one of his patients." The nurse nodded and walked backwards out of the room, her expression unchanging.

"Dr Tadama has been watching over you these past few weeks Natsuki, it is better he carries out your examination. Before I go though, are you experiencing any pain? Headache? Dizziness?"

Natsuki shook her head. "I see…" he picked up her chart at the bottom of her bed and scribbled something on it. Or rather scribbled something off of it. "Your doctor should be here shortly, if you need anything, press your call button and Nurse Ishikawa will see to you." He poured the girl a glass of water and handed it to her. "Try and drink something" Natsuki nodded her thanks and took the offered glass.

The doctor took one last glance over her chart before nodding and walking out of the room leaving Natsuki to herself.

_A coma…? How? And for a month? I've been asleep for a month? _Natsuki stared blankly out the window, she'd almost slipped away into her own thoughts when she heard footsteps scuffing to a halt at her doorway.

"Natsuki Kuga…?" The doctor closed the door behind them and chuckled, turning around to a confused Natsuki.

"Natsuki Kuga…"

"Huh?" Natsuki squinted, still rubbing her head.

"My name is Hiro. Nakamura Hiro. Do you remember me Natsuki?"

Natsuki shook her head and sighed. "I'm sorry"

Hiro smiled. His dark eyes gleaming in the brightly lit room. Natsuki frowned, he did look familiar.

"What…happened to me?"

"You were involved in an accident Natsuki, you came off your bike and gave your head a serious knock, you're quite lucky to be alive."

"Shizuru!" Natsuki started forward but stopped when the doctor took a step towards her shaking his head.

"She's fine Natsuki, she has been by your side this entire time."

"Where is she now?"

"She left." he answered, as he sat himself in the vacant seat beside her and crossed his legs.

"Oh…" Natsuki sank back against her pillow, disappointed.

"Understandable really, no one was expecting you to wake up after the machine was switched off" he nodded towards the life support unit in the corner.

"When can I leave?" Natsuki asked suddenly, eager to be out of the place.

The doctor merely shrugged, surprised at her non-existent reaction to having been told she'd practically died.

"Oookay…" Natsuki pulled back the covers and swung her legs over the side of the bed.

"Easy…" the doctor grabbed her arm when she started to topple over, "You haven't used your legs in quite a while."

"Great…" Natsuki growled as she pulled herself back up onto the bed.

"Just take it slow, stretch your muscles and start off with little steps. You'll be as right as rain in no time." He smiled at her, almost proudly.

"Have we…met before?" Natsuki asked, studying his face as he continued to smile at her.

"Perhaps."

_He's not very forthcoming is he?_

Natsuki pulled her leg towards her and released it, doing the same with the other as she tried to get some of the feeling back in her toes.

"Tell me Natsuki, do you remember any of your…dreams? Anything at all?"

Natsuki looked away for a moment, sighing. "I don't remember anything. Nothing at all. I can't even remember what happened. How I got…here" she looked around the room and finally back to the doctor beside her. "When did Shizuru leave?"

The doctor blinked, "I'm terrible with time sorry…but it was not very long ago. Just before you awoke actually, had you been but a few minutes earlier…"

"Typical. I'm asleep for a month and I _still_ lie in!"

The doctor burst into sudden laughter. "Ah Natsuki, as amusing as ever I see…"

Natsuki studied his face once again. For some odd reason she just couldn't seem to hold any kind of recollection of what the man looked like as soon as she looked away. Had she knocked her head that badly?

"You really do seem familiar…" she watched his lip twitch as if in amusement, his eyes gleaming, head tilted slightly to the side. Natsuki took this all in as she continued her analysis of the strange man.

"I feel like I am under scrutiny"

Natsuki looked away suddenly embarrassed, immediately regretting her action as she could not recall one damn significant thing about the man. What colour where his eyes again? Blue? Yes. Piercing blue eyes, dark brown hair, long pointed nose. She looked back at the man and gasped. Brown eyes, light fair hair and…well at least she got the nose right.

"Um….?"

"Sorry I did not mean to make you feel uncomfortable. You were saying?"

"What?" Natsuki shook her head, holding her hand to it in exasperation. _Why can't I remember anything?_

"You were saying I looked familiar?"

"I…I thought so but…I think my heads still a little fuzzy."

The man nodded swinging his crossed leg as if from habit. Natsuki caught the motion from the corner of her eye and felt a twinge of dejavu.

The doctor stood and made his way towards the door.

"You made the right decision Natsuki…" he reached for door handle, "It's been a pleasure…"

"Thank…you" Natsuki called out to him instinctively, as she watched him go.

"Oh? What for?" he stopped and turned back towards her from the doorway.

"I…I'm not sure, I just, feel like I should thank you…" she scratched her head nervously.

"You're most welcome Natsuki," he nodded, as if to himself, "Now if you'll excuse me…"

"You have others to help? " Natsuki asked.

He turned and offered her one last smile.

"Precisely."

* * *

><p><strong>A few days later<strong>

"Look to your left." The doctor shone the light in her eyes, "and the right…" he made a satisfied grunt like sound and popped the instrument back into his coat pocket. "How's your head this morning?"

"Not as bad as yesterday…" Natsuki answered, looking across the room at a grinning Mai.

"Well, you're free to leave today if you feel up to it, but we'll need you back over the next few days for a check up."

"Really?" Natsuki jumped forward excitedly. _Thank god! I don't want to spend another night in here! Sure, she'd only stayed one, but hospitals seriously freaked her out._

"Just make sure you book a slot at the desk on your way out" the doctor nodded at Natsuki, then Mai, making his way towards the door.

"Doctor?" he turned around and looked at Natsuki questioningly, "Is doctor Nakamura on duty today?"

The doctor frowned and looked from Natsuki to Mai. "Nakamura?"

"Hiro Nakamura. The doctor that was in here yesterday?"

"There's no doctor here by that name anymore"

"He was fired?" Natsuki asked confused.

The doctor shook his head and frowned at her. "Doctor Nakamura died in a car accident over ten years ago."

"What!" Natsuki shot up in her bed, "There must be some mistake!"

"He lost control of his car, his…wife and son were with him at the time. Only his son survived. I'm very sorry…" the doctor bowed politely and left the room.

"What was that all about?" Mai asked. Natsuki just shook her head and shrugged. Had she imagined that whole thing after all? _Best not to bring it up or they might think I hit my head harder than they thought! I'm not staying another second in this place!_

"Okay well…good to go? Nao brought you a change of clothes, not that you don't look fetching in hospital gowns."

Natsuki rolled her eyes and swung her legs around off the corner of the bed.

"Here let me…"

"It's okay," Natsuki interrupted her, holding up her hand, "I can do it…" she pressed her foot to the cold floor and leant her weight on it experimentally, then the other. Pulling herself to her feet she grinned when she found herself standing unaided.

"Check you out!" Mai exclaimed happily.

"Yeah check you out!" called a voice from across the room. Nao made her way over to the bed and plopped a folded pair of jeans and a t-shirt on top of the sheets. "You might want these, you can see your ass poking out the back of that thing…" Nao pointed to the back of the hospital gown.

Natsuki turned her back to the wall quickly, almost losing her balance.

"Nao!" Mai warned.

"Geez I was only kidding…" she turned around and started back towards the door, "Get changed Kuga so we can get outta here! It's depressing the hell out of me!"

Natsuki nodded her agreement on that statement and reached for the clean clothes.

"Natsuki…" Mai started, once Nao was out of sight. "there's something you should know…"

"What is it?" Natsuki set her clothes back down and turned her full attention to the frowning red-head.

"I haven't been able to get a hold of Shizuru…"

"What do you mean?" Natsuki took a step closer to her, "did you call her?"

Mai nodded. "I stopped by her place as well and there was no answer, I'm a little worried."

Natsuki reached for the clothes and began pulling them on as quick as she could. "Take me there."

"Natsuki…what if…"

"Mai!" Natsuki shouted out in panic, "Take me there now!"

The car screeched to a halt outside Shizuru's apartment and Natsuki practically jumped out of the passenger side.

"Natsuki!" Mai shouted out of the open window at the back of Nao's car.

"I'll call you later!" Natsuki called out over her shoulder, as she rushed towards the door.

"Shouldn't we go with her in case something's happened to Fujino?" Nao asked concerned.

"No, we'll wait on her like she says. Head back to mine." Mai, climbed out the back of the car and into the passenger seat Natsuki had just left. "Hopefully she just doesn't want to see anyone, she wouldn't hurt herself." Mai muttered aloud as if trying to reassure herself more than Nao.

Natsuki reached into her bag and pulled out her keys, flinching slightly when she touched the one to her Ducati. _Not now…_

She flicked through them until she came to the one Shizuru had given her, shoving it into the lock, she kept turning it until she heard it click. She paused briefly, then pushed the door open to reveal darkness inside. It didn't look like anyone was home. Undeterred, Natsuki entered the apartment and shut the door behind her. She slapped the wall blindly until she felt the switch below her fingers and flicked.

_Holy shit…_

She looked around in horror, at the devastation around her. Cups, plates, chairs… everything was smashed to pieces and scattered across the living room floor. She carefully stepped over the demolished furniture and décor, looking around for any sign of the girl. _Has she been robbed?_

"Shizuru?" Natsuki called out softly, worried that someone _else_ might be in the apartment. She stopped and looked ahead, confused. Chunks of plaster lay on the floor amidst shards of broken glass. The wall above it had dents and holes all over it as if someone had been throwing things against it. "Shizuru?" Natsuki called out more loudly, panic creeping into her voice.

Shizuru sat on top of her bed, her hands covering her ears as she rocked back and forth.

"Shizuru?"

_Stop it! Please….stop it!_

She began to weep, the loud voice that had finally quietened, was now taunting her again.

…Natsuki's voice.

_I'm sorry. Please. It wasn't my fault…_

"Shizuru?" the voice called out more loudly.

_Stop haunting me…_

Natsuki walked into the kitchen only to be faced with more devastation. She turned to leave and stopped when something caught her eye. Kicking bits of glass out of the way, she made her way over to the table and saw something that almost stopped her heart.

_Shizuru's keys…she was here._

Natsuki rushed back into the living room, shoving debris out of the way, as she cleared herself a path towards the bedroom.

_I should have cancelled. I should have made you stay with me right here. If I'd have forced you to stay you'd still be here with me…_

"Shizuru…?" Natsuki stood in the doorway, her heart began to thump loudly in her ears when she spotted the huddled figure on the bed.

_I wish I'd never have been born…that date would never have meant anything to you…_

_**Her face is sopping wet**_  
><em><strong>From bathing in her sorrow<strong>_  
><em><strong>Eyes are frozen, hoping<strong>_  
><em><strong>There will be no tomorrow<strong>_  
><em><strong>Lips are sealed, shaking<strong>_  
><em><strong>Breathing is very faint<strong>_  
><em><strong>Arms clenched tightly<strong>_  
><em><strong>Covered in sorrowful paint<strong>_

"Shizuru?" Natsuki took a step forward hesitantly.

_That is Shizuru right?_

Natsuki watched the figure raise it's head, it's eyes opening. Crimson met green.

"Shizuru!" Natsuki took another step forward and paused again when she heard the girl cry out in alarm.

"No, no no no no" Shizuru shook her head from side to side.

"Shizuru…it's me…Natsuki…" Natsuki offered a reassuring smile even though girl was no longer looking in her direction and slowly took another step closer.

_I know you're here. You never left. _

"Mai brought me here. Nao too."

Shizuru continued to breath heavily, as if in panic.

"They brought me from the hospital, Shizuru." Natsuki took another step closer.

_Natsuki, I can't bring myself to end it all. Your voice…it's haunting me…it never stops._

"You sat beside me the entire time, didn't you?"

_I'm afraid if I leave this place I will never hear it again…_

"I heard you calling to me Shizuru, I could hear your voice…"

_So even if it means I will lose my sanity, I will never leave this place Natsuki…_

Natsuki tried to breathe calmly, she was almost at the bed now, just a few more steps…

_I won't be afraid of it…I'll embrace it…_

Shizuru lifted her head and met Natsuki's eyes.

"Ara, Natsuki paid me a visit…"

Natsuki stopped dead. Her eyes widened at the sight of Shizuru's manic grin, a cold feeling beginning to creep across her skin, almost making her shiver.

"I was beginning to get tired of Natsuki's teasing, I couldn't catch a wink of sleep…"

"Shizuru…"

_Her eyes. Bloodshot. Bloated…..empty._

"I've been waiting just like I promised…"

Natsuki studied her face for a sign for…something, but found nothing. Shizuru, ever the hard one to read, wore no expression, her eyes were like glass as she stared back, her features devoid of any emotion.

_Yes, empty_.

"Shizuru?" Natsuki spoke carefully, as if to a child, "did you…was that, out there…" Natsuki pointed back in the direction of the living room, "Did you do that Shizuru?"

Shizuru nodded and covered her mouth as she giggled delightfully. "Natsuki was playing hide-and-seek"

Natsuki frowned at her words.

"Kannin na Natsuki, I failed you" she spoke as if to herself.

_So, she thinks this is all her fault? Is that why she's gone… _Natsuki couldn't even bring herself to _think_ of the word.

"So I will accept Natsuki's anger, in fact, I welcome it. I deserve it"

"Shizuru…"

Shizuru smiled and tilted her head back against the wall, her eyes slowly shutting.

Natsuki reached into her pocket and grabbed her phone, she punched in Mai's number and looked up, almost jumping out of her skin.

Shizuru was leaning forward, glaring at her, at her _phone_, with a look of confusion.

Natsuki slowly brought it to her ear, not breaking eye contact with the blonde in front of her.

"Natsuki!" Mai picked up on the third ring, "Thank god! We were just about to jump in the car and come over there! What took you so long? Is everything okay?"

"Mai…" Natsuki spoke carefully, "I need you and Nao to come here…now…"

Shizuru's eyes narrowed and she tilted her head at Natuski's words.

"Natsuki?" came the worried voice from the other end, "What's happened, is Shizuru…"

"She's fine…" Natsuki replied, "she's in front of me now…"

"…We'll be right there…" Natsuki simply nodded, flipping her phone shut.

"Everyone has been worried about you Shizuru" Natsuki held her phone in the air for Shizuru to see, "Mai has been trying to get in touch with you."

Shizuru sat back against the wall and stared at Natsuki, watching her every move. When Natsuki took a step forward, Shizuru seemed to shrink back, further away from her. Not wanting to frighten her, Natsuki opted to sit on the edge of the bed, keeping her distance from her. Shizuru frowned when the mattress shifted under the added weight. Meeting Natsuki's eyes with that hollow expression, she smiled.

"Ikezu, Natsuki."

Natsuki frowned, only realizing what Shizuru meant, when she watched her eyes look her up and down as she sat on the bed.

_Perhaps there is only one way to get her attention_. _This is Shizuru after all_.

Natsuki smiled.

"Ne, Shizuru…do you want to play a game?"

Shizuru's smile widened. "With Natsuki?"

Natsuki nodded. "Yes, It's simple, you need to close your eyes…" Shizuru complied, closing her eyes as Natsuki continued, "Now count to thirty…"

"One, two, three, four…"

Natsuki stood up and walked across the room in determination.

"You're sure she didn't sound upset?" Nao asked Mai for the third time.

"No, Nao, she just sounded…I dunno, urgent or something."

"What do you think she found there?"

Mai shrugged. "I'm not sure, but if Natsuki's asking for _our_ help it must be serious…"

Nao pushed her foot harder against the accelerator.

"Nao! Slow down!"

"We're almost there just hold tight!"

"Where oh where could Natsuki be?" Shizuru stopped at the bathroom door and glanced around, her eyes resting on the dark haired girl. "Found you"

"You did" the forlorn smile with which Natsuki had said it caused the blonde to tilt her head curiously.

"Natsuki looks miserable. Why would I make Natsuki look so miserable I wonder?"

Natsuki ignored the woman's delusional rambling and simply patted the space in front of her for the girl to sit.

"Ara, Natsuki wants to take a bath with me?" Shizuru smirked and crossed the distance between them, climbing into the bath, seating herself in front of Natsuki.

"Even in my head Natsuki surprises me. Always showing up out of nowhere" she laughed, shaking her head before grimacing. "Funny that…"

"What's funny Shizuru?"

"Even as I imagine her like this, I can't make her do what I want. No, I would never…"

"You would never what Shizuru?" Natsuki leaned back against the side of the tub, engaging the girl in conversation simply because she didn't know how to snap her out of…whatever was happening to her. _She thinks she's imagining me? Is that why she keeps saying my name? Why she keeps referring to me as 'her'? Who am I then…?_

"I would never defile her memory. I would never make her do something she didn't wish to Natsuki, even if I wanted it. Oh! No matter how much I wished for it!" Shizuru grabbed her hair and shook her head almost angrily. "I couldn't…"

She suddenly looked up at Natsuki, her fierce eyes looked sunken in her pale face. She looked so different, her usual immaculate appearance only stood out in contrast to how diminished she looked now. Natsuki had to wonder if the girl had ate at all the last few weeks, or slept for that matter seeing the dark circles under her eyes. How lazily she blinked as if it took such an effort to do so. Yet her eyes still held. In them Natsuki could see everything. Her pain, her anger. Her _guilt_. _Why is she so guilty?_

"So tired…" she muttered, squeezing her eyes shut. "I'm so tired Natsuki…"

"Won't you sleep Shizuru? Will you try? For me?" Shizuru looked up at this.

"I try. I try and then I drift off into thoughts of her, how easy it is to try and imagine her arms around me once again, the warmth of her embrace…"

"Shizuru…let's try…" Natsuki leaned forward reaching for her hand. Maybe if she could get the girl to sleep she could get her to see sense when she woke. She looked so fragile, so dangerously fragile, as if the slightest touch could break her.

"I try…" she continued unhearing, "and then I suddenly realize how cold I am. How cold it is without her beside me…" Natsuki felt her eyes begin to sting at the sight of the tears rolling down Shizuru's face. At the sight of the strong woman looking so utterly broken down, destroyed. "I've always lived my life without regret. Like my parents taught me. Always look ahead, never look back..." the tears continued to overflow, down from those blood red eyes and over those sunken cheeks, a miserable sight for anyone to see, "How can I not look back? How can I look ahead from this…? Too many regrets Natsuki." She shook her head sniffing, "There's just too many…" she sucked in a deep breath and sighed.

"Shizuru? What regrets…?"

Shizuru laughed ruefully. "Ah…" she looked up the walls and settled on the shower head above as if it was the most interesting sight, even though it looked strange doing so with such a somber expression. "Teasing her mercilessly, when she clearly hated it. Purposefully making her uncomfortable so that I could see that adorable blush, when she clearly hated that also…" she shook her head in disbelief, as if she couldn't believe she'd actually done those things. "Touching her when she disliked it…" she smiled, "Kissing those adorable blushing cheeks when she was sleeping…even though she'd hate me all the more if she ever found out…" she looked up and searched Natsuki's face for an answer as to why she was suddenly blushing.

_She kissed me when I was asleep?_

"Only recently have I had the courage to ask myself why she stayed with me through it all. Only then could I tell myself that it was because she truly was the most forgiving and loyal person I had ever met. And that, that makes it all the more painful."

"You think I stayed by your side because I felt sorry for you?"

"Natsuki truly is a kind soul is she not? Alas, that is not all you see. If there is one, and one thing only that I regret the most in this world, it would be my cowardice."

"You are anything but that Shizuru!" Natsuki blurted out before she could stop herself.

"I think very highly of myself do I not? To tell myself such things…."

"Shizuru! I'm telling you this! I'm saying these words! Not you!" Natsuki resisted the urge to leap forward and bury the girl in her embrace. She had to let her finish. She had to understand what it was that was going through the girl's head and causing her to react this way.

"And yet I could not tell her. No matter how many times I tried, I couldn't bring myself to say those words to her. To tell her how I felt. I knew deep down what Natsuki's answer would be and I knew then, that I would truly be alone. She would leave me. And that, that is worse than not being with her at all."

"Shizuru you don't know that. You don't know how she would react!" Natsuki surprised herself at her own words. Even she had switched to referring to herself as 'her'. "You don't know what she would say Shizuru…"

"Ara, how true. Which is why I could never bring myself to tell her. I didn't know what she would say. Would she laugh? Would she think I was kidding. That would be the most likely reaction of hers would it not? But then I wonder, what if? What if she said she hated me? Or worse, what is she said nothing at all?"

"Shizuru…"

"So you see. I am a coward. I always was when it came to her. I doubt Natsuki truly knows anything about me. How could she? When everything I portrayed was nothing but fake! Do you know what it's like to be afraid of yourself?"

Natsuki was taken aback that the girl had addressed her directly and was now gazing at her intently as if waiting for a response.

"I doubt so. I doubt so very much because what kind of person would do such a thing just to try and gain recognition from another? It's unforgivable to lie to someone like that, especially when that person means so much to you. Anything she felt for me, anything she thought about me is therefore also a lie. So you see, it does not matter what I try to tell myself, for if she truly did feel anything, it wasn't for me. It was for someone I made up. An imaginary being."

"Shizuru? Are you saying that you never acted yourself around her? Around Natsuki?"

"How can I know? I honestly don't know who 'myself' is anymore. That girl…That girl brought out the worst in me." Natsuki watched the girl's face contort in anger, then just as quickly into a self-mocking sneer. "I also believe she brought out the very best in me though. I'm just not sure which was the real me. The former probably…" she looked up the walls again not meeting Natsuki's gaze, "Probably, yes…" she confirmed for herself.

"Shizuru why are you so angry at yourself? Why are you so guilty? You honestly don't believe Natsuki would want you to feel this way do you?"

Shizuru shrugged in such an uncharacteristic way that Natsuki had to bite her tongue not to laugh, even in such a dire situation, as this. It had almost been child-like, not like Shizuru at all.

"I wish to sleep. Even for a moment. To be able to close my eyes and not feel remorse, even if I am undeserving of such a thing…" Shizuru whispered softly.

"You deserve everything Shizuru…" Natsuki reached out and took the girls hand in her own and immediately tensed. The hand jerked back and Shizuru glared at her, a myriad of emotions flickering across her face in succession. "Shizuru…" Natsuki reached out and watched her flinch away, quickly reaching to climb out of the bathtub.

_Shit! I startled her. She looks so confused and why wouldn't she be? She doesn't even believe me to be here. How helpless must she feel? How totally and utterly lost…._

"Stop! Shizuru!" Natsuki grabbed her flailing arms as she tried to pull away from her. Whether it was from being weak due to lack of sleep, or being just a half-hearted attempt in the first place, Natsuki easily pulled her down against her, keeping her arms tight around the girls struggling form as she struggled. "Sssh! It's alright I've got you…"

Shizuru cried out and Natsuki felt her limbs fall limp under her hold, her body fell back almost lifelessly against Natsuki's front and there she sobbed as Natsuki tried to reassure her.

"Natsuki!" Shizuru cried out between desperate wails. "Natsuki…"

"I'm here shhh…" Natsuki run her hands through Shizuru's hair, holding her head back against her shoulder. If anything it made the girl in her arms cry harder and it was then when she realized why. Dejavu.

Natsuki looked around the bathroom and almost smiled at the memory, despite how panicked she'd been at the time. The time when she'd held a feverish Shizuru in her arms in this very tub, in much the same way.

_Make her remember. Make her remember what it felt like to be held by me._

Natsuki reached towards the tap and turned the water on, flinching at the same time as Shizuru when the cold spray hit them from the shower head above. She released her grip on the girl slightly and reached for the buttons on her shirt, undoing them and slipping the wet material off over her shoulders. She winced at the sight of her protruding shoulder blades, her flawless skin tight as if stretched to the limit over her jutting out spine. _Baka! Shizuru! You idiot…why? If anyone should feel guilty it should me for doing this to you. For putting you through this…_

"Natsuki!" "Natsuki! Where are you?" Natsuki looked through the doorway of the bathroom and out into Shizuru's bedroom at the sound of the voices. She heard their gasps and the sound of broken glass being trodden on and kicked. Then Nao and Mai appeared, searching the bedroom in a panic. They both looked towards Natsuki simultaneously as the light from the bathroom caught their eye. Slowly, they descended upon her, almost cautiously. "Natsuki? What happened?"

Nao stepped into the bathroom, her eyes widened when she looked down at the sobbing wreck in Natsuki's arms.

"Shit…" Nao whimpered, her hand immediately going to cover her mouth as Mai stepped in beside her, her expression much the same.

"Natsuki is she…?" Mai halted when she saw her friend shake her head, the tears falling down her cheeks as she stroked the tawny mess of hair matted to the girls head.

"Would you guys…?" Natsuki looked past them towards the living area before turning away.

Mai nodded automatically and reached out grabbing Nao's arm to pull her out of the bathroom, closing the door behind her.

"Mai…" Nao turned to see the same solemn expression on her friends face. Mai just nodded in reply, confirming what they had just seen. "What happened to her?"

Mai shrugged. "Look, we should do what we can. We'll talk about this later. Help me clean up?"

Nao nodded, wiping away the wetness that was threatening to fall from her eyes, she looked back at the door and felt a pang of guilt. They should have tried harder, they should have tried to be here for her. How could they have been so callous? Shizuru would obviously have been the one to hurt the most from the loss of Natsuki. _We should have tried harder…_

"How do you feel…?" Natsuki whispered against Shizuru's ear, rocking her back and forth in an effort to soothe her. There was no answer, not even a sign of recognition at her voice. Shizuru was staring wide-eyed at nothing in particular. It was beginning to panic Natsuki, not even waving her hand in front of the girl made her focus. She didn't even blink. Natsuki manoeuvred herself behind the girl, leaning left then right in an attempt to remove her soaked clothing. Perhaps undressing before she turned on the water would have been a more sensible plan, not that she would have been able to with the unresponsive girl in front.

Judging from the state of Shizuru's apartment and the state the girl had been in herself when she arrived, Natsuki figured the thought of bathing had probably been the last thing on her mind. _Especially if she couldn't even remember to eat or sleep. _Holding that thought, Natsuki steeled herself and reached forward to unclasp Shizuru's bra, silently apologizing to the girl over and over in her head. She wasn't sure what surprised her more, the fact that she had actually done the deed, or the fact that Shizuru hadn't even acknowledged it. If there was one thing that could jerk you out of any type of detachment from reality, surely another stripping you would be the trick? _Or apparently not…_

_Look at me Shizuru. Look at me and see me, I'm right here dammit! Talk to me. Show me some kind of response, anything!_

* * *

><p>"Nao…" Mai stood stock still at the sight of the trashed wall in front of her. She looked down at the smashed glass at her feet and sighed. Why hadn't she forced her way in? It should have been obvious that the girl wouldn't have answered her door after what had happened. If only she would have been a little more forceful perhaps they could have prevented this. Or could they have?<p>

"We did what we thought was right Mai, we tried to give her the much needed time to grieve, we couldn't have known something like this would have happened."

"I know…but still…" Mai swept the remains of the broken bottles into a pile by her feet. "We should have tried to do more…"

* * *

><p>Natsuki run her hands through the fair coloured hair rinsing out the shampoo. <em>Whoever said showers were the best way to wake you up, lied. <em>She'd run out of ideas. No matter what she said to the girl or no matter what she did to try and spark some kind of response from her, had been in vain. Shizuru sat motionless in front of Natsuki, not even stripping the girl had had any effect. Natsuki had hoped for a cry of outrage, a motion for the girl to cover herself in modesty, even, god forbid, some kind of joking comment directed at Natsuki for being so bold.

"_Silence is a figure of speech, unanswerable, short, cold, but terribly severe."_

Shizuru had once quoted this to her in jest, seeing as Natsuki had unconsciously drifted off into what Shizuru had called 'Natsuki land' without meaning to. _How true your words were Shizuru… _

_If only you were here to reassure me. To speak those words of wisdom that I had become so reliant on. I'd never thought it would be this difficult, I'd never thought there would come a day when I would no longer be able to ask for your advice. No, it's not your words I've become reliant on Shizuru, it's you. I've been relying on you this whole time. Silence is not a virtue. It's lonely, quiet, yet so very, very loud._

"Almost done." Natsuki spoke aloud, running her hands across her back, removing the last of the soapy suds.

_What are you thinking of Shizuru? What is it that is going through that head of yours? Can you hear anything I'm saying at all? Can you feel me? My touch?_

"Shizuru?" Natsuki whispered, "Shizuru what are you thinking of?"

_How long will you be like this? If only I could know what you were feeling. If only I could get through to you somehow, to tell you that everything will be alright. That I'm alright and that I'm here. Right beside you, as you were for me._

Natsuki wrapped her arms around the girl in front of her and pulled her back into her embrace, resting her head over Shizuru's shoulder. "Can you hear me at all?" Natsuki gently reached up to the girls chin and turned her head so she could look in her eyes. "Anything at all?" She felt her chest tighten, her skin beginning to tingle at the sight before her. This, she hadn't been expecting. The girls eyes were closed, her mouth forming silent words as it moved. She was falling asleep. _Finally!_

"Shizuru?" Natsuki whispered carefully, "Shizuru, how do you feel?"

Natsuki tilted her head so that it was right beside her mouth. "How do you feel?"

Through incoherent mumblings and soft whimpers she could only make out one word.

"Warm…"

**_Even standing from afar  
>You see she's beginning to decay<br>Due to a depressing statement  
>Her fear is taking way<br>Her body retreating into shock  
>Who knows what happens now<br>She knows she can make it stop  
>But doesn't know how<em>**

* * *

><p>AN

Another chapter to dull your day, my apologies! I really liked this poem as it seemed to fit with what I was writing. I actually found it after I'd finished the chapter and decided to slot it in after. "Threatening Fear" by Kyra Terrill. This chapter was actually kind of difficult to write as it's not exactly very nice to imagine anyone, whoever they may be, in this sort of situation. As much as I love crazy Shizuru, there's different types of crazy!


	5. Underneath it all

Hey everyone, thanks for the awesome reviews! I'm really chuffed you are enjoying this fic, as I've become quite attached to it I must say! I've actually really enjoyed writing this chapter, I love writing from Shizuru's point of view! So please don't forget to leave a review, even if it's short! I'd love to know what you think of it!

Disc: I sadly don't own Mai Hime or any of it's characters, if I did….there'd be a hell of a lot more Shiznat!

* * *

><p><strong>Shizuru<strong>

I open my eyes. Am I dreaming? Or am I awakening _from_ dreaming? I scan the room.

You're not there.

I look to my side only to find that same cold and vacant space in the bed beside me. The sheets are still partially tucked in, unused. You're not there either.

This is not a dream. Cold, harsh reality strikes and I realize how far away you really are. Do I feel foolish for indulging myself in these utterly hopeless endeavours? No. I do not. Do I feel ashamed? Perhaps a little. I feel ashamed because I know that if you were to find out that I was not the girl you had always thought to be, the girl that was always so refined, so gracious so unbelievably indifferent towards everyone. If you found out that I was not a one, but the polar opposite of all of those things, what would your reaction be? I've wondered many times. Perhaps I know the answer to my own question. Perhaps I do know how you'd react and that is why I'm ashamed. That is why I am, for the first time in my life, so utterly afraid of speaking my mind. So terrified am I, that I feel I have no other option than to retreat into my own darkness. A part of me which I have found to be the loneliest and most terrifying place of all.

So as I lay awake in my bed, pondering over what has not been said or done, I think of you. I think of your arms around me, holding me to you. When I finally manage to break free from your imaginary hold I instantly feel my chest tighten. This reaction provokes another, I can feel it coming. The fluttering behind my eyes, the pressure, the stinging in the corners, the pain as my throat seizes and then, when a single solitary tear falls, the feeling of wanting to be hugged by you all over again.

The mere thought of having you so close, only to have to tear away from you brings tears to my eyes. How pathetic am I?

You were never even there to begin with…

I wrap my arms around myself and make my way into the bathroom, shivering against the cold as it assaults my exposed skin. I ease myself into the bathtub and turn the tap halfway. Lukewarm. Never too hot. Never too cold. I lean back into you when I feel your arms snake around me, they feel so cold against my feverish skin. You whisper in my ear as your hands tangle in my hair, brushing against my head as you stroke it tenderly. You tell me everything will be alright. You're here, right beside me and I can feel you, your naked skin on mine. Your strong arms supporting me as I reel in my spot, losing myself in you.

Only when I hear my alarm sound from my bedside table in the adjoining room do I pick myself up from my fall. Only then do I fully awake. Why does the cold assault me with such ferociousness? Almost as if punishing me for my desire.

Yes, you are everywhere. Or maybe, you are just everywhere _in_ _me_.

I realized, the trick to not losing myself within myself, is to never be _by _myself. I surround myself with my silly fan girls at school, I put up with their misplaced praise and compliments. They don't want me. They want to _be_ me. I am admired. Not desired.

I fill my time with work, my free time… with extra work. Stopping is not an option. Stopping only brings with it, thoughts of you. I wish to see you. I silently yearn for it everyday, but I hide from you. If I see you, talk to you, touch you, I find myself in a slowly declining situation. One day, I won't be able to stop myself. One day, I will push myself past all my boundaries, past all conduct deemed decent. I do not trust myself around you anymore. I can't see you without losing myself in you, no matter how much I want to. But _Oh_! how I want to be lost in you! You flood all fleeting thoughts so they are of you and you alone.

_I am drowning Natsuki._

I set my alarm and I climb into bed at night, wincing slightly from the feeling of the cold sheets on my thighs. I shift until I feel comfortable, finally closing my eyes and succumbing to the darkness enveloping me. There you await. Always waiting. I feel your legs slip over mine, your arms encircling me from behind as I am once again pulled back into your warm embrace. Your hands slip under my shirt, your thighs slide over mine as your fingers dance across my aching skin. Your lips rest against my ear and you whisper everything I've only ever dreamed of hearing you say. Your lingering kisses leave a burning trail down my spine, the cold air teasing the wet skin you move from, leaving goose bumps and making me shiver. You're always behind me. Embracing me, kissing me, touching me. Always behind me. For the truth is, even when I have descended into my darkest desires. Even when I have indulged myself, dreaming of you as I do so very often. Even then I cannot bear to look at your face. For I know what I'd find there and that, that Natsuki, would break me.

I feel myself being lulled to sleep by your soft caresses, I feel something pulling me from you. I always dread this part, as I have gone beyond tiredness, beyond being able to offer any sort of resistance. Sleep takes me. I'd love to be able to drift aimlessly, to awake feeling refreshed and clear-headed but the truth is, when I fall into that strange and confusing place, that dream land wherever it might be, even there you find me. My dreams are plagued by you. How free it feels, to be able to go beyond reason, beyond caring. Here, everything is so simple, no worries, no complications, just us. Do you know how many times I have held you without constraint? Do you know how many times I have laughed freely with you? Do you know how many times I have told you those words which I dare not utter aloud in any other given situation? No? I wish I could tell you myself, but I'm afraid I lost count long ago.

And so, I lie in your arms sleeping, dreaming of that very same thing…

I like dreaming. I feel no guilt, no remorse, no sadness or regret. When I awake and repeat our daily routine all over again…

I feel every one.

_**My thoughts of you come frequently;**_

_**They're always filled with you and me.**_

_**No matter what I see or when,**_

_**It brings you back to mind again.**_

_**I'd be sitting, reading a book,**_

_**Or be out walking by a brook;**_

_**No matter what the path I took,**_

_**I'd see dream images of how you look.**_

_**Each day is filled with dreams of you;**_

_**I hope that all these dreams come true.**_

* * *

><p><strong>Present<strong>

Natsuki gently lifted the older girls arm and placed it around her neck, discreetly diverting her eyes as she shifted the girls body so that she could lift her out of the bathtub. She mentally scolded herself for worrying over something as trivial as modesty in a situation such as this. _Oh how Shizuru would get a laugh out of this!_

When she felt secure enough with both feet on the floor and certain that she wouldn't slip, she rested all weight on her legs and slowly crossed the tiled floor to the doorway leading into the bedroom. Slowly, she bent over and placed Shizuru on top of her bed, marvelling at how beautiful the girl looked even in a deep slumber. Soft voices and the sound of sweeping could be heard from beyond the bedroom door, alerting Natsuki to the fact that not only were they not alone, but they were both still in a state of undress. She quickly made her way over to the dresser by the wall and stopped before she had even pulled the drawer out. That same middle drawer Shizuru had froze at only weeks before when she had been choosing a nightgown for Natsuki. She turned and crossed the room to the doorway, pausing only to cover herself with one of Shizuru's nightgowns which she retrieved off the back of the door.

"Hey…"

Nao and Mai both looked up to see a very downcast Natsuki standing at the bedroom doorway.

"How is she?" Mai asked automatically, gripping the broom handle tighter.

Natsuki offered a weak smile and shook her head. "I'm gonna stay, see if she wakes up feeling any…better."

Nao nodded and gave Mai a look, nodding towards the front door. Mai sucked in a breath and looked back at Natsuki.

"If you need anything give us a call, let us know how she's doing."

Natsuki thanked them both and saw them to the door, she closed it behind them and before even realizing it she was in the kitchen. Her hand on the kettle. _I'm on auto-pilot… _She shook her head and clicked the kettle off, Shizuru wouldn't be awake for a while. Natsuki silently thanked her friends in her head again as she looked around the living room. _Clean, Tidy. _She smiled in satisfaction and began to make her way towards the bedroom when something caught her eye near the coffee table. _Mai and Nao must have missed it… _Upon closer inspection she realized it was a key and thought how strange it was to be lying by itself. Obviously it wasn't needed anymore or it would surely be on Shizuru's keychain with the rest of her keys. She bent forward and picked it up, squinting to better see the markings. A small 'N' was neatly scrawled onto one of the facings. Shizuru's key to Natsuki's apartment.

_As much as I hate to have to say it, I guess Shizuru thought she wouldn't be needing it anymore…_

Natsuki sighed and reached for one of the drawers on the side cabinet, she'd put it somewhere safe so that Shizuru could re-attach it to her keychain later. Pulling open the drawer, she paused, overcoming the temptation to turn away. This was something she wasn't meant to see. She reached in and placed the key inside, still staring at the contents. Pictures. Lot's of pictures. And they all had Natsuki in them.

If this was a time when Shizuru had been with her, Natsuki probably would have blushed furiously, slammed the drawer and yelled some profanity along with something about her being a stalker. Standing in front of them alone and actually taking the time to look over them, she realized how oddly sweet it was. Most of them were pictures taken at karaoke and considering that Shizuru was in most of them with her, Natsuki figured she'd obtained them from another source.

_Mai and Nao… I guess they did know what they were talking about when they were urging me all those times to talk to Shizuru. They had known about this all along…_

She picked up one that was centred on the two of them at a picnic with Mikoto and Nao. Mai had obviously been behind the camera taking it. Then another of them at Mai's apartment. She could feel herself begin to anger.

_Why did she keep these? Why? When I look so… what? What is it that I feel when I am with her? I can't even decipher my own expressions let alone my feelings._

Natsuki glanced through a few of the other pictures and sighed, closing the drawer and walking into Shizuru's bedroom with one of the pictures. In every other picture she had been looking away from Shizuru, most of them, she even had her back to the girl. In all of them she wore the same expression. Annoyance. That was the only thing she think of when she looked at her expression. But why? Why did she always look like that? She never felt annoyed when she was with Shizuru. Sure, the teasing got a bit much sometimes but never enough to condone that. Natsuki sighed as she glanced at the figure on the bed. _I'm an idiot. _She glanced down at the only photo she had took, and smiled. She had no idea who had taken it or when, but in this picture, she wasn't frowning. She was just looking at Shizuru. The older girl was leaning back against a trunk of a large tree, smiling as she happily read a book on her lap. Natsuki was watching, looking at her face, or into her eyes it seemed.

Natsuki smiled and placed the picture on the bedside table beside her and climbed back into the bed. Realizing she had mistakenly placed the older girl on _top_ of the sheets when she'd laid her down, Natsuki untied her robe and pulled the older girl back into her, closing the robe around her front. _I wonder how long she will be asleep for? Or what she'll be like when she wakes up… _

Natsuki had almost drifted off to sleep herself when she heard a soft mumble from the sleeping girl at her front. _She must be dreaming…_

"Ah…" Natsuki felt her body go rigid as Shizuru shifted in her sleep. She sucked in her breath when she felt the older girl turn against her and opened her mouth in silent protest when an arm slid across her bare waist. She only realized she'd been holding her breath when she felt the girls naked torso press up against hers, their warm skin quick to form a bond from the heat. Natsuki's held breath rushed from her lungs and she struggled to take another in fear of waking the sleeping beauty. _What exactly would Shizuru say if she woke up right now? Was she awake? Maybe she did wake up and she's just playing with me?_ Natsuki quickly chastised herself. _I'm comforting her, nothing more. _

She looked up tentatively at the still face a mere few inches from her own, blissfully unaware. She was still deep in her slumber and had probably just unconsciously shifted closer to her heat source. That thought didn't sit right with Natsuki, in fact it made her feel even worse for letting it happen in the first place. The dark haired girl lay unmoving racking herself with guilt. The fluttering in her stomach had settled and the sudden panic that had seized her chest was calming, but the sudden desire to press back against the sleeping girl still lingered. _So this is how she felt, all that time. How can I criticize her for what she did to me whilst sleeping, when here I am thinking the same thoughts and fighting the same urges? We never spoke about what happened that time. What she did. Thinking about it now, maybe we should have. Not that I would have listened or understood. No, what she did wasn't wrong. It was only human. _Natsuki watched the girls brow twitch every now and again and wondered what the sleeping girl was dreaming of. Of her? Of them? Or something completely unrelated? She thought back to the pictures, her sullen expression in all but one. What exactly had she been thinking at that time as she watched the older girl read? What had Shizuru thought when she saw it? Did she know how Natsuki felt? _No, she couldn't. It took me long enough to sort through it in my own head. There's no way she could have known. Sure, she was difficult to read sometimes, but she wasn't that good at hiding things. Shizuru would have said something. If only I would have found the confidence to talk to her, to tell her before that day. Her birthday had seemed like the perfect time to tell her, but would she have even have taken me seriously? She'd probably just think it was me pitying her, or some kind of birthday joke. We'll have to take some pictures, of just us. A picture where I'm not looking blatantly un-amused or pissed off at her. I don't mean to, I just hate cameras! Cameras…_

Natsuki looked behind her onto the bedside table. Her phone! Careful not to wake Shizuru she removed her arm from around her waist and winced at the awkward angle she had to twist to reach for it. She grabbed it and silently congratulated herself on thinking ahead. _This will do for now…_

_**As i watch you sleep at night i wonder.**_

_**what is going through your mind.**_

_**Is it I, Is it us, Is it nothing.**_

_**As i watch you sleep at night i wonder.**_

_**when will you wake up to find me next to you.**_

_**As i watch you sleep at night i wonder.**_

_**do you know that i exist?**_

_**do you now i am here?**_

_**As i watch you sleep at night i wonder.**_

_**do you know i love you?**_

* * *

><p><strong>A few months previous<strong>

Natsuki shifted her position on her knees, sighing when she couldn't get comfortable.

"Are you bored?" Shizuru asked, looking up from her book.

"No I just…" Natsuki shifted again, "I really can't sit like this!"

Shizuru set her bookmark in place and closed her book over. They were sitting under a large cherry blossom tree in the centre of Fukka Garden. It was one of Shizuru's favourite places to just chill out and relax with a good book. Weather permitting of course. Natsuki always insisted on accompanying her, even though she never brought any reading material of her own. Unless you considered comics reading material that is. To Shizuru it always looked like Natsuki just glanced through the pictures with how quickly she flicked though them.

"Lean forward." Shizuru herself leaned forward from her seated position and motioned for Natsuki to follow. "You're sitting on your heels incorrectly."

"There's a correct way to do this?" Natsuki retorted sarcastically whilst pointing at her feet behind her.

Shizuru smirked and shook her head. "You never became accustomed to sitting in seiza style as a child did you?"

"How did you know?"

Shizuru tilted her head to one side, looking at Natsuki's now twitching legs as if that was answer enough.

"Why not just sit with your legs to the side? It's more comfortable."

Natsuki shook her head. "I will learn."

"Alright, tell me when you can't feel your legs." she winked playfully and leaned back against the tree.

"I haven't been able to feel my legs for the past ten minutes Shizuru, or my ass for that matter."

"I _would_ offer you my services" Shizuru teased. To her surprise, Natsuki actually laughed.

"I think you're a bit out of my price range!" Natsuki smirked.

"Ouch! This puppy bites!"

"Even the cutest puppies don't like to be antagonized. I guess you'll just have to keep your hands to yourself hmm?"

"My puppy doesn't play nice."

Natsuki blushed at her statement and attempted to quietly clear her throat. "Um…why do you keep calling me puppy?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Shizuru smiled brightly and looked up at the branches above her. "Has no one ever compared your personality to that of an animal? It can sometimes be quite difficult if your character is complex or the person is hard to read but I find it quite enjoyable."

"Great so I'm neither hard to read or complex. Thanks…"

Shizuru met her eyes, "That's not what I meant. I didn't say you were an easy character to place."

"Why a puppy then? Should I not be offended? At least make me some kind of big burly thing. Puppies are small and fidgety and not to mention not toilet trained!"

"But oh so cute!" Shizuru practically squealed, ignoring the dark haired girls glare. "Honestly though at first I would have compared to something more like a wolf."

"What do you mean at first! A wolf is way better!" Natsuki unconsciously leaner closer.

"That's what I thought too, after all you are strong, athletic and of course good looking." Shizuru made a point of looking her up and down in an obvious manner.

"What's that got to do with anything?" Natsuki barked, flushing red.

"I don't see you as the dangerous or aggressive type though."

"So I'm a…puppy…."

"A puppy yes! How fitting!"

"And why the hell am I a puppy again?" Natsuki asked in a bored tone.

"Because they're small, bright, impa…."

"I'm not small!" Natsuki interrupted.

"_Impatient_," Shizuru raised her eyebrows at Natsuki, as if asking if she was finished. "They're also devoted, protective and very playful" she met Natsuki eyes and smiled mischievously.

Natsuki looked away flustered and crossed her arms over her chest, "I'm not small!"

"Ara, you're shorter than me."

"Did you ever think that maybe you're just too tall?"

Shizuru pouted, "I forgot to mention _mean!_"

"Great so today we've come to the conclusion that I'm mean, impatient…"

"Don't forget small"

"_SMALL_" Natsuki shot her a look, trying not to grin. "What else am I forgetting?"

"You forgot strong, athletic and good looking. Really, it's just like you to forget the positive compliments."

Natsuki smirked, a relief for Shizuru who was worried she was taking their game to seriously.

"What am I then?" Shizuru asked honestly intrigued, if not slightly hesitant to hear Natsuki's opinion.

"A flirt"

"I meant in relation to animal traits!"

"Hmm, let's see…" Natsuki mimicked Shizuru's infamous pose of, finger on her cheek with that distant look in her eyes. Shizuru's exaggerated thinking pose. "Aha! Got it!"

"I'm afraid to ask…" Shizuru uncharacteristically mumbled, seeing the joyous look on the other's face,

"A sea lion!"

Shizuru sighed, "So…lazy and fat…is this payback for calling you small?"

"Sea lion's aren't fat or lazy."

"Slippery then…?" Shizuru asked un-amused.

"Agile, sleek, charming…"

"You find me charming?" Shizuru sat up straighter with an amused look on her face.

"_Flirtatious…" _Natsuki continued with a deadpan look.

Shizuru winked in response making Natsuki roll her eyes.

"Okay…and the bad traits?"

"Obstinate, dominant, territorial."

"Actually, they're not necessarily bad traits" Shizuru mused.

"Egotistic" Natsuki rolled her eyes.

"Hey!" Shizuru shoved Natsuki, bursting into a fit of giggles.

"You're the most stubborn person I've ever met Natsuki."

"Am not."

Shizuru grinned back at Natsuki. "Ara, so, Natsuki is small and mean and I'm obstinate and egotistical. What a pair we make!"

"I thought you said that they weren't bad traits." Natsuki said with a lilt of sarcasm.

"When mixed in with one's personality I don't think so no, but by themselves, yes."

"So being horizontally challenged but good looking is what you look for in a person? You're weird Shizuru."

_Ara, openly admitting that you know you are my type. Perhaps I should have put unpredictable and surprising in there Natsuki._

"At least I gave you some nice traits! The odds are stacked against me Natsuki, at least I was accurate in placing you as mean, you gave me more bad personality traits than good!"

"What! Hard of hearing should be another then!" Natsuki snapped frustrated.

"Ara, I have another!" Shizuru threw her hands in the air dramatically.

"No! Charming, agile, attractive, dominant, sleek…they are all good traits, you're just being difficult!" Natsuki braced herself, waiting on Shizuru declaring that she had just pinned another bad one on her by calling her difficult. What she received instead surprised her. Shizuru blushed. Only for a few seconds, but she definitely acquired some colour at Natsuki's proclamation.

Sudden realization dawned on her. _Shit, that one slipped out!_

"Now you're making them up as you go along! At least be consistent Natsuki."

Natsuki frowned, watching the older girl go back to her place by the tree and lift her book up, continuing to read like before, as if their conversation hadn't even took place. _Is she annoyed at me? She seems pissed… But…why? I didn't mean to say it but surely it's a compliment? Is she embarrassed?_

Shizuru fought the desire to look up at the younger girl. She carried on, pretending to read as if she wasn't affected in the slightest. How difficult it was not to smirk, to not goad the girl into a full blossoming blush. Natsuki had let that one slip, although Shizuru doubted she'd even realized it. But did that mean she didn't _mean_ it?

_Natsuki finds me attractive?_

"Did you hear that?" Mai half giggled with joy, half whispered to the red head crouched behind a bush at her feet.

"Bout bloody time don't ya think?" Nao pushed a few buttons, flicking through the pictures on the LCD display. "Hah!" she grinned triumphantly and stood up to show Mai the snap she had just caught.

"Oh! Nice!" she raised her hand and slapped the other girls in a loud high five.

Shizuru looked up from her book and out across the park. In the distance she spotted two red heads running off towards the gate in the distance. _Not very discreet…_

Natsuki seemed oblivious, lying on her stomach with her feet up in the air behind her swinging, as she flicked through the pages of her comic book. Shizuru smiled and looked back up at the retreating figures.

_I'll be wanting a copy of those pictures…_

"Hey…" Natsuki let her comic fall to the grass beneath her and looked up at Shizuru. "It's your birthday in a few weeks right?"

Shizuru nodded and waited for the girl to continue.

"Anything you want to do? Or…do you have plans…?"

Shizuru smiled, dropping her own book down onto her lap, "Are you offering?"

Natsuki simply nodded before breaking eye contact. "I thought we could do something…"

"I'd love to"

"Really?" Natsuki looked back somewhat surprised, "You aren't going home or anything?"

Shizuru shook her head, "I was hoping I could spend the day with you."

Natsuki shifted, leaning back to sit on her heels. "Okay, what do you want to do?"

"If Natsuki is spending the day with me I don't mind what we do. Surprise me!" she grinned, making Natsuki shift again.

"Um…okay." Natsuki looked away.

"What's wrong?"

Natsuki sighed and looked up, their eyes met.

"Shizuru…"

Sensing the girl was feeling uncomfortable Shizuru leaned forward and placed herself in front of her. "Perhaps I can finally get a ride on that bike of yours?"

Natsuki's face lit up and she nodded enthusiastically. "Yeh! You'll love it! It's an amazing feeling! The wind in your hair and everything so open and free all around you! You'll love it!"

Shizuru laughed and nodded, Natsuki had offered on numerous occasions to take her out on her beloved Ducati. Shizuru had declined every time, sure she was scared but she wasn't going to admit it openly! Natsuki's face dropped and she sighed.

"Ara, What is it?" Shizuru asked, reaching her hand out to embrace the younger girl.

"I really can't sit like this…" Natsuki looked behind her at her feet then back to Shizuru, smiling sheepishly. "I can't feel my legs…"

Shizuru halted and resorted to shoving Natsuki with her now, outstretched hand. She laughed and gracefully lifted herself from the grass, offering the same hand to Natsuki. "It's getting late."

Natsuki nodded and climbed to her feet, "Want a ride home?"

Shizuru lifted her book and turned to meet those mesmerizing emerald green eyes that she lost herself in so often. "Save it for a special occasion?"

Natsuki popped her helmet over her head and flipped her visor open, meeting those enthralling blood red eyes once again. Their colour seemed only further heightened by the enthusiastic expression on the girls face.

Natsuki smiled from behind the barrier, "I'll make it a day to remember."

* * *

><p><strong>Present<strong>

Natsuki reached up and brushed a stray lock of hair from Shizuru's eye. Still closed, still peacefully sleeping. _Hopefully peacefully… _Surprisingly she wasn't feeling tired herself. _Perhaps sleeping for weeks on end does that to a person?_ she thought sarcastically.

"Na..ts…" the tawny haired girl shifted against Natsuki, frowning as if remembering something she hadn't wanted to.

Natsuki softly kneaded the soft skin on the small of the girls back and pressed her lips to her forehead. _Sleep, sleep for now. I'll be here when you wake up._

The sleeping girls' hold on her waist seemed to lose it's strength and Natsuki sighed in relief. She'd be out of it a little longer. She pulled back and looked down at her closed eyelids. What she'd give right now to catch even a glimpse of those rich coloured eyes. That dark, penetrating red. It seemed so odd now, staring at such pale skin covering them. Her lips, the only red to be seen, seemed so much more vibrant on such a plain canvas. Had they always seemed so inviting? _Once more couldn't hurt could it? _Natsuki looked back up at the sleeping girl, studying her for any signs of disturbance. None. She was fast asleep. She looked back at her lips and found herself in an internal battle for dominance once again. _Shizuru would be angry. No she wouldn't she'd welcome it. But she's sleeping. Like that has ever stopped her! _Natsuki immediately discredited her last thought and leant in further towards the sleeping girl. This wasn't payback, Shizuru would understand that. She knows what it feels like…

Closing the final gap, Natsuki softly pressed her lips to Shizuru's, lingering there, revelling in the feeling, savouring her taste. Losing all conscious thought, her hand tangled through the curly mess of hair before her, her body flush against the other. This is what it felt like to be alive. This is what she had been denying herself of for so long. She didn't realise how bold she was being, how desperate her clutches had become, until she felt the hand on her waist grip her. The kiss, suddenly broken, yanked her back from wherever she had floated off to.

It only took a few seconds for her eyes to regain focus and when they did, a set of very wide, very surprised and _very_ confused red orbs met her own.

* * *

><p><strong><em>AN_**

Well there you have it. Sorry for the cliff hanger, but I at least wanted to leave something for you guys to come back to! A bit shorter than my usual chapters but I thought it was a good place to leave off...

Again reviews are most welcome and most appreciated! Hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it.


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